Kidney Thunderdome: A Health Story

Last week I had one of those dreams where you know you are dreaming but don’t want to wake up, even if that means you are dead and will have to be buried in cake-themed pajamas. I won’t say the dream was pornographic, exactly, but I wouldn’t say it wasn’t pornographic. It was just MY kind of sexy.

HOT STUFF

HOT STUFF

The dream consisted of me eating a neverending supply of Cool Ranch Doritos. Each chip was the ideal shape – a perfect triangle, no broken halfsies or fold-overs – and each one had an obscene amount of Cool Ranch Dorito dust on both sides. I sat in the sun for hours, licking the dust off each chip in slow motion, while basking in what I’ve come to recognize as carb euphoria. Inhaling those Cool Ranch Doritos brought me closer to my authentic self – a new kind of mindfulness! – and completed me in ways no platitudes from Oprah ever could.

Welcome to Week 7 of my life without salt.

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Scrub Life: The Skin Wins

If the thought of an old Korean lady squirting hot milk all over me in front of a bunch of strangers makes you laugh, this story is for you.

If you’re anything like me, you’re lazy, somewhat-to-totally overweight, and a fan of living outside your means. This is AMERICA, right? Where anything is possible. Like freedom and cankles and an empty bank account.

Last month I got on a scale, and that scale told me how many chins I had: Around 19, and that was just on my left side. The scale was a self-righteous asshole but I value total honesty in a friend. Make it my new bestie or bury it in the backyard next to the Shake Weight?

Around the same time, I checked my bank account, which was like shouting down a well and hearing nothing but echo. ‘Stop doing things in reverse,’ I told myself. ‘Imagine a life where you lost weight, gained money, had an owl, and went to Hogwarts.’

Instead, my friend Andrea and I went to the naked Korean women’s spa in South Tacoma (which, like anything, when compared to a wizard school, is actually kind of dull). When she called to see if I was available, these were my first three thoughts:

-Yes! It’s the perfect time to relax and reconnect while surrounded by supportive women!

-No! This is the worst time to be fat and self-conscious in a place where everyone is nude!

-Wait! They have potstickers! I am totally going! AND A VIOLENT DEATH TO THOSE WHO STAND IN MY WAY.

To recap: Food was the motivating factor in getting me to the spa for services I couldn’t afford. We booked appointments anyway. Story of my life.

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Baked: Rainbows + Birthday Cake

I like my cake how I like my pride parades: colorful, super gay, and topped with edible glitter.

 

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When a unicorn poops out goodness into the world, this is what it looks like.

Enter: This cake. Made for a 12-year old’s birthday. She didn’t like chocolate (AUDIBLE GASP) but really wanted lemon, which is an acceptable third choice after chocolate and more chocolate. Not sure if you’ve heard, but I’m sort of a chocolate superfan.

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“Health”: Salad & Marriage Week

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“Health”: Marriage & Weak Salad

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Thwarted By Oink & Moo

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I’d Like To Fit Into My @$?!%&# Clothes

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I Give Up, Let’s Eat Salad

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Damn It, Now I Feel Better

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Marriage Vows Change Everything

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RELUCTANT VEGETARIAN

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See how my blog name has the word ‘ham’ in it? I guess I’m not chasing that pink dragon anymore. No more mainlining that deliciousness for the time being/foreseeable future/maybe forever. Later on I might try it as a garnish, or nibble a piece of lean bacon over breakfast, but pork and beef, cow and pig, oink and moo – two of my lifelong besties – have become problematic frenemies who bring internal ruin and suffering.

Excuse me while I weep over a pile of healthy, overpriced microgreens.

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The Feelings Buffet Is Closed

There has to be a word for the time you write a thousand-word blog post about how stressed out you are in order to alleviate that stress and then WordPress loses it, causing even more stress on a day when the stress piles are already high and mighty. Because my head feels like it might explode at any minute in a fiery WordPress rage, I’m just going to post some photos that make me very happy instead. Here goes.

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Here is my new favorite cake, a Turkish one I made for the Thanksgiving wedding of two fabulous ladies. Many thanks to Traca for the kitchen assistance. Decorated with tiny orchids and a little banner I made that says ‘Wedding Congratulations’ in Turkish. Serve with fresh whipped cream. The flavors are both simple and complex; it tastes like exotic happiness.

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So this exists. Taken on Capitol Hill because awesome, that’s why.

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It was fun having a toy parade in honor of Justin’s 32nd year on Planet Earth. I wish I could have thrown him a Macy’s Day Parade, but this was more affordable.

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I love the pink deviled eggs at Bitterroot in Ballard. I actually love a lot of things – food and drink things – at Bitterroot in Ballard. Please go and keep them in business, but get out the way when I arrive. There is pork to be had.

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We’ve been having lovely nights out with friends for a welcome distraction from the wedding planning. This evening surrounded Pike Place Market; we went with B & E to Seatown to see my brother (the food was delicious!), then headed to RGB, and finished off at The Virginia Inn. Seattle nights out = happy funtimes!

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Last but never least: the cheese. As you can see, it stands alone but not totally alone. This was taken at my friend KW’s place while she designed our Save the Dates (they were awesome!). So thankful to all the friends who have lent and offered their time, resources, talents, and ears to our winter wedding woopdedoo. Also, I love my phone camera. It takes pretty good photos.

I hope my lost post (the stress-y one) just appears someday, like horrible internet magic. If it doesn’t, here’s what you missed: we are le tired.

 

 

 

 

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