If the thought of an old Korean lady squirting hot milk all over me in front of a bunch of strangers makes you laugh, this story is for you.
Now if you’re anything like me, you’re probably lazy, somewhat-to-totally overweight, and a fan of living outside your means. This is AMERICA, right? Where anything is possible! Like freedom and cankles and an empty bank account.
Last month I got on a scale, and that scale told me how many chins I had: Around 19, and that was just on my left side. The scale was a self-righteous asshole but I value total honesty in a friend, so it was also very confusing. Make it my new bestie or bury it in the backyard next to the Shake Weight?
Around the same time, I checked my bank account for funds, which was like shouting down a well and hearing nothing but echo. ‘Stop doing things in reverse,’ I told myself. ‘Imagine a life where you lost weight, gained money, had an owl, and went to Hogwarts.’
Instead, my friend Andrea and I went to the naked Korean women’s spa in South Tacoma (which, like anything, when compared to a wizard school, is actually kind of dull). When she called to see if I was available, these were my first three thoughts:
Yes! It’s the perfect time to relax and reconnect while surrounded by supportive women!
No! This is the worst time to be fat and self-conscious in a place where everyone is nude!
Wait! They have potstickers! I am totally going! AND A VIOLENT DEATH TO THOSE WHO STAND IN MY WAY.
To recap: Food, not relaxation, was the motivating factor in getting me to the spa for services I couldn’t afford at the time. We booked appointments anyway. Story of my life.