Wanted: Life Internship

Forget lemons. If I was Life, I’d hand people durian fruit or a mushy tomato — something disappointing, more reflective of the challenges we face every day. Maybe a brown banana, or a bag of donuts dipped in motor oil? Honestly, you’d be lucky to get a lemon out of me.

lizlemon

The only good lemon

I rode into 2016 with all the fanfare of a 2015 survivor, but here’s the mortifying thing: I’m still me (insert heavy sigh, eye roll). I take the stairs when I’m with people but the elevator if I’m alone. I rearrange everyone’s home in my head, from the furniture to how the cups are organized. I secretly want Blake Lively’s hair while publicly hating Blake Lively, or any girl with professionally-tousled white privilege hair. I crave French fries 362,000 times a day. And sometimes I hang in my car at Rite Aid, a block from our house, just to get some much-needed alone time.

The things I worry about are pretty standard for a person: kid, money, health, husband, the death of creativity forever. I’ve also worried about falling into a boring Trojan Horse routine, where hiding inside the horse is – gasp – another boring routine. So this year, I wanted to look back on 2016 and say I did something different. I don’t mean perfect, that’s not possible, unless you are Beyoncé. Hey, she birthed an on-trend color upon a haystack made of gold with the undisputed King of America. If that’s not perfection, I don’t know what is. What’d you do, give birth in a hospital and then go home like a person?

Continue reading

After Grief, There Is Cake

To ruin a beautiful cake with tears is the loveliest form of therapy.

selfcare

After writing about grief and a fraction of the ways it has affected me, I puttered around for a while, wondering what I should do next. I’d eaten all the carbs, and slept all the sleeps, and cried all the salty waters — then bled out on the blog and still felt somehow incomplete. Grief doesn’t have a visible finish line, per se, but I secretly hoped someone – an adult with maybe a double Ph.D. in Human Grieving – would walk up to me on the street and just hand me a diploma.

“You did good — excellent work,” the Grief Doctor might say. “But it’s time to stop eating Cool Ranch Doritos and get back to living. Marika, your grieving will end in 3…2…1….” and then I’d be officially done. Not with all of it, no, but the bulk of my sadness would be lifted. Someone would throw me a graduation party, and then I would know to move on.

That isn’t how it works, of course, but I hoped for some personal grief marshals anyway — tiny beacons of light, waving me in from afar for safe landing.

Continue reading

Grief: It’s What’s For Dinner

ologrief

The past 12 days have been a confusing fog of lovely, horrible life things. I kept trying to write about it – every day, I would try – but that led to more confusion, and crying in public, which is my favorite thing to do in the world after ‘being marginalized’ and ‘emergency dental work.’

Ann Voskamp said, “When grief is deepest, words are fewest.” I’m usually a vomiting fountain of words, but this past week I couldn’t arrange them. I’d write a sentence, delete a sentence; pound a fist on the desk and fold into myself. I actually wept, old school-style, like some kind of swampy Old Testament Ophelia, covered in thistles and daisies and weeds, ‘incapable of her own distress’ and all that. You know it was bad if I’m quoting from Hamlet.

Continue reading

The Housewife in Me

housewife

I picked up a vintage British book right before our wedding called “101 Things For The Housewife To Do.” I’m not a housewife in the traditional sense because I have a paying job (and zero talent or interest), but according to this book, I’m really not a wartime housewife from 1949.

I bought the book because the blurb made me laugh so loud, a mirthless grinch reading Ayn Rand actually shushed me in the bookstore. (Dear Grinch: Please stick to your unromantic dinners for one, kthx.)

The back said:

“If you can learn to lift your ribs right out of your waist, and to let them expand outwards…you will soon develop that “upward buoyant poise” which is the secret of grace and which would bring less drudgery and more joy to the daily dusting, bedmaking, picture straightening, and all the dozens of things which go towards making your home beautiful.”

From this, I made some judgment calls about the British housewives of 1949:

-Rib removal = no big deal. These bitches were hardcore. Go ahead and blood-eagle yourself in the name of grace and dusting.

-Housewives have considered housework a drag since the beginning of Time, or at least the 1940’s.

-“Upward buoyant poise” seems like an unnecessarily high bar for cleaning out toilets.

-Bedmaking? (That’s not really a judgment, I just don’t know what it entails since I have a duvet.)

-Apparently pictures went askew at an alarming rate back then.

In 1949, this book was basically the internet for women. Instead of online advice from Martha or the FlyLady, they sat down, lit what I assume was a hundred candles, and educated themselves on wifing a household.

Husband: You know they had electricity back in the 1940’s, right?

Me: Shut up.

Continue reading

Greetings from The Minimally Diseased

BLAMMO

BLAMMO

I made little bargains in my head all day before getting my biopsy results. It felt like a prayer kind of afternoon, so I prayed to my favorite Elizabethan ladygods: Liz Lemon, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Amy Beth Schumer. Couldn’t recall the correct format for praying so I was like

Hayyy, bitches

Y’all better bring it today

And whatever it is, make it funny

OKTHX

Love,

Marika

PS: Also, amen

Continue reading