Baked: Apple Muffintastic

I prefer apples to candy. Eating apples gives me the feeling I’ve just come back from a hike in the woods (or something equally boring and majestic). Eating candy feels like being in a dingy roller rink with sticky, fuzzy hands.

People I imagine eating big, shiny red apples preternaturally:

Abraham Lincoln
Leslie Knope
Gary Busey
1980’s Michael J. Fox
Master gardeners
First-grade teachers

Lucky for us, you can use apples in every goddamn thing imaginable. {Here is where I would list some of those goddamn things. Boring.} Most recently, thanks to my brother, I’ve been sautéing Granny Smiths with Brussels sprouts, scallions, bacon, a squeeze of lemon, a glug of white wine, butter, and S+P. It’s ridiculous. My favorite thing to do with it is mix in quinoa and dump that into a roasted acorn or butternut squash. Top with cheese and inhale with love. Feel superhuman.


I made these apple streusel muffins for a lawyerly breakfast meeting the man had with other lawyerly types. I was over-excited to be tasked with something so Desperate Fucking Housewives — “baked goods for your husband’s business meeting to make a good impression” and all that — so I did a test batch the night before. 

Results: We couldn’t have stopped from eating them, even if we’d tried — or thought about trying — which we never, ever did. What we did to those muffins was obscene. Then I got up early the next morning to make a fresh batch, tweaking the recipe ratios a bit, and I pretty much fucking nailed it (direct quote). That felt really good.

For a good apple streusel muffin recipe, try the one at Purple Foodie. And always make extra streusel topping, always! You won’t ever go wrong with a 60/40 batter-to-topping ratio. You will only make cooler friends and influence bigger people and have a better life overall. Trust.


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