A belated “Later, bitch!” to 2012, the year we got engaged and I broke my least-favorite arm. Now it’s 2013, and I’m still engaged to a smoking hot lawyer, and that smoking hot lawyer is engaged to a vitamin-deficient, one-armed me.
The last six months have been a thrilling life ride of Super Yay and Shitty Nay.
Yay: I’m delighted to deprive womankind of the finest man in all the land! We make it official on New Year’s Eve. I can’t wait to say “mah hoosbund” just like Daphne Moon on Frasier.
Nay: I’ve been sporting this broken humerus for over three months, and I’m poke-out-my-eyes-for-fun bored. Awaiting a surgery date, and then more recovery. I can’t work or do much, which is balls. I may eventually die from watching too much television.
With so many recent challenges, I’ve learned a lot about life, like
-100 hours of Gossip Girl can be watched in less than two weeks, if you keep the blinds closed and have the pizza guy on speed dial.
-Sandwiches made with two hands taste better than the underachieving one-handed imposter kind.
-People give out unsolicited perspective just like advice. At least you don’t have cancer. At least you weren’t gang raped on a bus in India. At least you don’t have a horse head growing out of your torso.
-Chocolate milk is just like milk, if milk was sugary and delicious and interesting in any way.
-Sleeping in one position all night, every night, for about 90 days, will give you Pavlovian sleep rage.
-My veins are to nurses what triple-summiting Everest is to mountain climbers.
-Vitamin D is the best friend I’ve ignored my entire life, much to the dismay of my weak bones and mounting depression.
-Percoset, Vicodin, Oxy (and their derivatives) make me super sick now, but 22-year old Me remembers when those were just for fun and mixing with booze.
-I will never write the book ‘Bossypants’ because Tina Fey already wrote it. That one really burns.
-There is no human way to make a broken arm seem sexy. You could wrap a gorgeous, naked, half-Asian gymnast around my whole arm, but she would still look like Jabba the Hut.
-Patience is a virtue, one I do not possess in the slightest.
-Gossip Girl is a terrible show and I’ll never get that time back.
When Life hands you Love, be grateful and work to keep it alive every day. I’m so happy to have met a compatible someone to be mutually weird with forever, but I know it takes more than Kegels and pain pills to make a relationship work.
When Life hands you lemons, zest them and store that zest in the freezer for a future baking project. Later, you can make a lemon pound cake and give Life the double finger.
“You can’t solve all your problems by shooting someone or setting a stranger on fire.” -Liz Lemon
Realistic tagline for 2013: It’s What’s Next.