Love The Lemons You’re With

A belated “Later, bitch!” to 2012, the year we got engaged and I broke my least-favorite arm. Now it’s 2013, and I’m still engaged to a smoking hot lawyer, and that smoking hot lawyer is engaged to a vitamin-deficient, one-armed me.

The last six months have been a thrilling life ride of Super Yay and Shitty Nay.

Yay: I’m delighted to deprive womankind of the finest man in all the land! We make it official on New Year’s Eve. I can’t wait to say “mah hoosbund” just like Daphne Moon on Frasier.

Nay: I’ve been sporting this broken humerus for over three months, and I’m poke-out-my-eyes-for-fun bored. Awaiting a surgery date, and then more recovery. I can’t work or do much, which is balls. I may eventually die from watching too much television.

With so many recent challenges, I’ve learned a lot about life, like

-100 hours of Gossip Girl can be watched in less than two weeks, if you keep the blinds closed and have the pizza guy on speed dial.

-Sandwiches made with two hands taste better than the underachieving one-handed imposter kind.

-People give out unsolicited perspective just like advice. At least you don’t have cancer. At least you weren’t gang raped on a bus in India. At least you don’t have a horse head growing out of your torso.

-Chocolate milk is just like milk, if milk was sugary and delicious and interesting in any way.

-Sleeping in one position all night, every night, for about 90 days, will give you Pavlovian sleep rage.

-My veins are to nurses what triple-summiting Everest is to mountain climbers.

-Vitamin D is the best friend I’ve ignored my entire life, much to the dismay of my weak bones and mounting depression.

-Percoset, Vicodin, Oxy (and their derivatives) make me super sick now, but 22-year old Me remembers when those were just for fun and mixing with booze.

-I will never write the book ‘Bossypants’ because Tina Fey already wrote it. That one really burns.

-There is no human way to make a broken arm seem sexy. You could wrap a gorgeous, naked, half-Asian gymnast around my whole arm, but she would still look like Jabba the Hut.

-Patience is a virtue, one I do not possess in the slightest.

-Gossip Girl is a terrible show and I’ll never get that time back.

When Life hands you Love, be grateful and work to keep it alive every day. I’m so happy to have met a compatible someone to be mutually weird with forever, but I know it takes more than Kegels and pain pills to make a relationship work.

When Life hands you lemons, zest them and store that zest in the freezer for a future baking project. Later, you can make a lemon pound cake and give Life the double finger.

“You can’t solve all your problems by shooting someone or setting a stranger on fire.” -Liz Lemon

Realistic tagline for 2013: It’s What’s Next.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Love The Lemons You’re With

  1. […] terrible television and loving […]

    Like

  2. Google says:

    I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you design this website
    yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?

    Plz respond as I’m looking to construct my own blog and would like
    to find out where u got this from. cheers

    Like

  3. […] I was asked about our engagement photos. A lot. For the next year, while recuperating from my broken arm debacle, I was asked about them. On Twitter, Facebook, and through email, I was asked about them. […]

    Like

  4. […] people go through for whatever dark reasons. But this time, the So Bored I Could Die Tour of 2012-2013 kept me above some Very Sad Waters. I also forced myself, from the beginning, to be Pollyanna […]

    Like

  5. […] months of sitting around with a broken/healing/cyber arm. The daily effort of being positive about that arm has been my undoing. Add boredom and loneliness […]

    Like

  6. […] Post-surgery pain pills + spacious dreams + writing + dubstep = ? […]

    Like

  7. […] am currently in the middle of one-armed wedding […]

    Like

  8. Laura Q. says:

    One, this is a rad theme you’ve chosen for your wordpress. Beautiful and sassy. Also, I like lemon poundcake, but now I’m reminded that I failed to buy real lemons at the store. BOO! <3, my one armed friend! I still have to give you your Brooklyn souvie.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: