Axl Rose Is In My Bathroom

songzagoogle

I’ve been having a totally-reciprocated love affair with the music app, Songza. It’s free, there’s no audio ads, and it has curated music for everything: time of day, day of the week, mood, setting, activity. [Sadly, it was bought by Google and folded into Google Music in January 2016. RIP, SONGZA.]

The playlists are really where it’s at: Hosting a brunch with strangers in the fashion world on Arbor Day? Depressed and doing heroin on a Ferris Wheel at night? Are you having revenge sex with the entire cast from Dawson’s Creek? Songza’s got you covered.

A sampling of playlists I’ve tried so far:

60’s Space Age Bachelor Pad, World Music You Can’t Play At A Cocktail Party, Your Own Wes Anderson Film, 60’s French Pop, David Byrne’s Record Collection, Eye of the Tiger: Confidence Mix, The Perfect Drive, and Music for a Woodland Clearing.

A sampling of playlists that don’t exist but definitely should:

Sad Masturbation Hits

Suicidal Smooth Jazz

Oh God, The Clowns Are Here

Mongolian R&B 90’s House Jamz

Whatever They Listen To In The South

Yes, I Can Pronounce ‘Bon Iver’

Everything But MAROON 5

Nothing But Carlos Santana

Bjork’s Most Terrifying Songs Mixed With Mariah Carey’s Christmas Hits

Music That Will Put Your Uppity Asshole Music Friends To Shame

Don’t Walk Towards The Light, Grandpa

Barack Obama Is Cooler Than You

Shit, Someone Brought A Real DJ To The Party

A sampling of playlists that made me laugh:

More Cowbell, Tax Day, Cocaine, Melodic Death Metal, Wizard Rock, Songs For Sobbing, Lying In Lakes, Suburban Ennui, I’m A Boss, Grown Men Making Grown Men Cry, and Songs To Take A Dump To.

I’m not going to lie, that last one intrigued me. A curated list of 54 songs designed to help you poop? I grabbed my tablet and headed for the bathroom.

I settled in, hit Play, and was treated to KISS screeching the appropriately-titled ‘Deuce’ with a whole lot of costumed attitude. I almost fell off the toilet from laughing so hard. I skipped past that one to the next song…

… which was ‘Patience’ by Guns ‘n Roses. Just a little paaatience, yeaaaaaaaa-aaaaaah. It was like being unmotivated at gunpoint. It felt like a shirtless, emaciated Axl Rose was hanging out in my bathroom, sneering and writhing around like, “Hey girl, after you’re finished, maybe we can do some heroin and get cornrows together.” Six-year old me thought, “Protect your bathing suit area!” so I skipped that one, too.

Next was ‘Shazam!’ by my favorite, The Beastie Boys, but then MCA was rapping and I started to get kind of sad. Adam Yauch really died before his time, and I’ll never see them in concert again, and hey man, what does it all mean, this crazy game called Life? There is nothing more pathetic than a toilet-sad philosopher.

At that point, things were going downhill but not favorably. The next two songs were CKY’s ‘Sporadic Movement,’ and ‘The Poop Song’ from some horrid kid’s album called Becoming My Own Me. If I was a kid, I’d rather die on the toilet than be forced to listen to that slag. Skip.

Here’s what finally worked: Maynard Ferguson, Canadian trumpeter extraordinaire, doing a cover of the Rocky theme ‘Gonna Fly Now.’ Hell yeah. Maynard Ferguson was clearly the right man for the job. Hey, don’t judge! I really felt like a bathroom champion.

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One thought on “Axl Rose Is In My Bathroom

  1. […] decorative straw Valhalla up in here) and humming ‘Bad Girls’ by M.I.A., which is on my Confident Bitchez playlist. Another time I watched a sad movie called Iron Man 3, but I didn’t cry once, not even when […]

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