Armless Man-Cake + Open Bars: Planning A Wedding

I am currently in the middle of one-armed wedding planning.

The first time I got married, a mere ten years ago, Pinterest did not exist. To be fair, most of the stuff I’m dependent on now had yet to be created, but I’m glad that Pinterest was not an option the first time around. Wedding planning would’ve been a nightmarish minefield of complicated details and indecision.

Back then, we had no theme, no wedding branding, no insanely special touches that reflected us as a couple besides our favorite restaurant catering the reception. It was simple and not terribly expensive. A deal, but not a big ‘spend all the money and take out all the loans and party like there’s no tomorrow’ deal. Just family, friends, food, fun. I was pretty happy with that, if not the resulting marriage.

Being more innovative than anyone else in the history of ever is the name of the game now. We all know the true meaning of a wedding is love and commitment and the open bar. But how do you set yourself apart in a world where Kim Kardashian gets two ugly wedding gowns for just 74 days of marriage? I was married for two years and never even got the participant gift bag.

In the lady stampede to individualize, the wedding section on Pinterest has gone predictably berserko. It’s a nonstop, dizzying carousel of gowns and projects and look-sees and must-haves, and an alarming amount of comments like ‘I don’t even have a boyfriend but we are for sure doing this on our wedding day OR ELSE!!!!!!!’ Hard to believe those gals are still single with such inherent gifts for compromise.

According to Pinterest (and the wedding industry, plus lots of unmarried hopefuls), on our big day we should have a Macy’s Day-level parade in our honor, the tiniest possible versions of the food we were eating when we met, an ice sculpture in the shape of my beloved’s favorite MMA fighter, and a wedding program that details every joke I’ve ever made. It’s all about the customizable, envious details. Also love, but everyone knows you have a 50/50 chance, so let’s just gloss over that and head back to the open bar.

Sometimes, Pinterest can be overwhelming; other times, it’s hilarious. A sampling of my favorite pins:

These strawberries are just working their way through law school, I promise.

Hey, don’t expect these strawberries to inseminate themselves. This do-it-yourself, champagne-plunging, fruit-violating appetizer is sure to wow your guests, pairing the deliciousness of a mimosa with the intimacy of an enema. Perfect for the couple who’s addicted to heroin, or two very sexy phlebotomists.

Nothing awkward here.

Table numbers with pictures of the bride and groom at the corresponding age. Cute idea, but my first thought was, “Those nine-year olds are gonna have crazy sex for the next two weeks in Mexico.”

Brought to you by the letter T.

The letter t is pretty popular in Pinterest wedding photos, but we’re having a t-free wedding, being letterless heathens and all.

Sweet, sweet human food.

Bachelorette cake! What I wouldn’t give for an armless, edible, shaved stripper torso complete with fondant nipples to celebrate our union. If a headless, tie-wearing man-cake is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

FEED ME, SEYMOUR

FEED ME, SEYMOUR

Want this fabulous dress on your big special day? Don’t forget the bridal bouquet that devours your whole body, starting at the hands. It’s a package deal, sorry.

Not being featured on a lot of Pinterest wedding boards lately: Grooms, gays,  neon yellow, severed body parts, bouncy houses, black people, and reality. Still love me some Pinterest, though, however silly it can be. It’s like workplace-approved internet porn for women.

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