I Have So Many Questions

How many pieces of cake would one need to eat in order to gain one pound? Two? Three? Ten? How many bowls of ice cream would one need to ingest to gain ten pounds? 20? 40? 100?

What do birds think of balloons? Especially the gigantic trendy ones that are bigger than a Volkswagen (and most likely being used in our wedding, yes we’re those people). When people release balloons into the air, what is a bird’s internal reaction if they happen to cross paths? Is he like ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK?!’ Or maybe ‘You killed my mother, prepare to die (cue epic bird sobbing)!’

What does “living on a prayer” mean? Are ‘prayers’ a form of currency that your landlord accepts? Does it mean you’re homeless, but also religious? If someone is already halfway there, how far have they gone and how long will it take to reach their destination? And why would Bon Jovi be the one to live on it and not, say, Mother Teresa?

On what logic does The Westboro Baptist Church base their outrageous claims? Why would God strike down a bunch of loyal followers in Oklahoma because Jason Collins came out as a Friend of Dot? If God wanted to smite someone, couldn’t He just send a man-sized tornado directly at Jason Collins, military drone-style, no innocent casualties? Is their God fallible? Is that even possible?

What does a Puget sound like? Seattleites? Anyone?

If a meal isn’t documented through photos and social media, did it really happen? What about important life events, like marrying other chimps and giving birth to stuff? Can the next gen find value in private moments when validation comes from public ones? If I don’t ‘Like’ something on Facebook, do I actually really like it? How do you project an exact picture of yourself on the internet that’s authentic to your actual self?

What does the word ‘indie’ mean when it describes a genre of music or film that’s just as popular as its mainstream competitors, if not more? Where did rock music go? What will indie rock sound like in 20 years, and who will listen to it?

Could you make it into outer space and not immediately cry from the overwhelming awesomeness? Can a heart actually burst from sheer wonder?

Are whales the wisest beings on the planet? Doesn’t living crazy long and breaching and being the most mysterious make you a candidate for that? Now that there’s evidence of whales (maybe) having culture, don’t they seem more dignified? Do you secretly wonder what they taste like? Do whales talk shit about us behind our backs? Would you blame them if they did?

Have you ever read the lyrics to Men At Work’s ‘Who Can It Be Now?’ Who can it be now? Who can it be now? Who can it be now? Seriously, who was it?

Why is racism funny? If you don’t think it is, why does a race joke/observation land every time with a good comedian (ex: Louis C.K., Dave Chappelle)? Why is it making me laugh right now?

Why are people so butthurt about the new Daft Punk album? Can we all just embrace Disco and get over it already?

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5 thoughts on “I Have So Many Questions

  1. […] -First vacation with a camera phone that’s awesome and yee! Going from a 3GS iPhone to an iPhone 5 was the difference between riding a Vespa and piloting the Starship Enterprise. How were disposable cameras a thing? How did we ever let that happen? […]


  2. Sally Tomato says:

    When I clip my finger nails, how come I can still reach my boogers?


  3. sassypanties says:

    I’m pretty sure that Puget sounds like that neighbor that has ADD with their music selections.


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