Donut Motivation

photohamdonut

Don’t be jealous of how good I am at making motivational posters (SEE ABOVE). The last week was kind of a slag – lots of organizing, and crying my way through two seasons of Call The Midwife – so I needed a little pick-me-up. The donut kind. But since I can’t really eat one donut without eating an entire murder of donuts, I had to content myself with a motivational internet donut instead (SEE ABOVE). Which P.S. looks good but tastes like shit.

EAT YOUR CARBS

EAT IT, KIM

Today we (kidneys crossed!) find out the results of my kidney biopsy.

What I hope the doctor says: “You have a clear case of Superkidneyfragilisticexpialadociousness! Take this chocolate cake-activated pill that makes you lose weight the more meatloaf you consume. America!” Then we’ll head to my favorite barbecue joint and eat two tons of brisket.

What I assume the doctor will say: “So it turns out you’re a Humanicorn with bionic parts, a brand new type of superspecies invented by the U.S. Government for sky battle in a dystopian future — please follow me back to your quarantine,” and other routine medical stuff. I can eat salt in this scenario, too, so we would then head to my favorite barbecue joint and eat two tons of brisket.

Either way, this is a win/win for me.

What I had for lunch -- just kidding, it's a decorative bowl of moss.

What I had for lunch: a decorative bowl of moss.

I’ve been feeling fine but getting very quiet and cleaning up a storm. These are the usual telltale signs that I am worried — no mouthing off, no jokes, just concentrated silence and everything in its place. As a control freak possessing the strength of four control freaks, this is how I manage in my thirties. It’s like a doing meditation; the more I clean, the more centered I become. In the end, I am calm and can see progress on our place. It’s maybe the most adult thing I’ve ever done on purpose. Too bad my body doesn’t have an HR Department, because I would totally get an award.

What I had for dinner: Yard Waste Frittata

What I had for dinner: Yard Waste Frittata

If not an award for constructive feelings management, then surely I would get an award for eating the food that my food eats. What’s in the frittata, you ask? Bark and bits of tree from the yard waste bin? No, in fact, that’s broccoli, which is a vegetable from the cabbage family best served under a melted cheese waterfall. Here it was served in frittata form for dinner, with water, like prisoners.

There are so many things I’ve felt really unprepared for, a long list of experiences and events that make up my whole life. For example:

-marriage

-motherhood

-divorce

-surgery

-recovering from surgery

-recovering from drugs

-Game of Thrones, books

-Game of Thrones, show

-large, flat feet

-the number of cake-related shows on TV

-90’s fashion the second time around

-vampire popularity

We talk about curveballs as some kind of self-serving metaphor for the things that take us by surprise, but everything in life is a surprise when you realize you know and control nothing. I couldn’t control much in the list above, but everything turned out all right in the end (EXCEPT YOU, JON SNOW). Today I’m as prepared as I’m ever going to be, plus my closets are hella clean.

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