If Honeyfunds Were Realistic


Sometimes life has other plans


(1) $200 for their first anniversary at a very special restaurant

(1) $100 for their second anniversary at a pretty nice restaurant

(1) $50 for a romantic anniversary dinner cooked at home

(6) $30 gift certificates to that pizza place in their neighborhood he doesn’t love “but at least they deliver” for the next six anniversaries

(1) $7.67 – Lactaid Fast Act Chewables (her)

(1) $6.79 – Beano (him)


(1) $250 bottle of Champagne to celebrate their 20th anniversary

(12) $50 vouchers for Monthly Beer Club so he can have some much-needed Dude Time

(1,000) $30 vouchers for Taco Tuesday Happy Hour with the $4 margaritas


(30) $150 overnights at a local hotel in his hometown every Christmas after staying with his parents one year and realizing how much Fox News they really watch

Sightseeing Tours

(1) $130 for five Ride the Ducks tickets and (1) $150 gift card to Red Lobster for when his brother, wife, and three awful kids drop by unannounced for a five-day visit and she just wants them out of her goddamn house

(3) $100 wine-tasting tours for the only child-free weekends she will have with her girlfriends in her entire lifetime

(1) $100 in singles for the stripper-friendly bachelor party weekend they have a huge fight about that he goes to anyway*

*plus $50 so he can send flowers for the bachelor party fight even though he spent most of those singles on beer, Scout’s honor


(Unlimited) $20 bottles of wine – or $200/case – for when she realizes she deserves more in life but will settle for alcohol

(1) $3,000 for the shoe addiction she said she had under control

(2) $500 for a suit he will wear to every wedding and funeral they attend until he gains 40 pounds in 10 years and she makes him get another one

(Unlimited) $50 XBox games and expansion packs to be played at 3AM in his man cave

(1) $100 trip to the sex toy store when she thinks they need to spice up their sex life


(2) Out-of-state tickets for a family emergency

(2) Spontaneous babymoon tickets to somewhere tropical after realizing they’re actually having a baby and may never have fun again

(1) Ticket to the Pacific Coast Trail after she watches the Gilmore Girls revival and sees Lorelei’s attempt at Cheryl Strayed’s Wild

*Inquire with administrator for pricing

Marriage Extensions

(1) One year of marriage counseling (Market Price but you will also be an integral part of the therapist vetting process)

(1) $545 Day of Beauty Spa Apology Package for when he forgets her 33rd birthday

(1) $600 Las Vegas Stay and Play Hotel & Golf Consolation Package for when she yells the hot neighbor’s name during sex

(2) $1,000 for surprise weekends away when they realize they’re just roommates with children and need to reconnect


(1) $10/month for a Netflix unlimited screening membership, which they will use for date nights, movie nights, avoiding each other, battling insomnia, battling depression, distracting the children, entertaining friends, and escapism from the life they chose and love, most of the time

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27 thoughts on “If Honeyfunds Were Realistic

  1. auerbach48 says:

    I can add to your list; the spare room and plenty of ear plugs to silence the snore from your mate; won’t be sexist here. Lots of wine for when you need to be silenced due to his family visiting…….the ones that visit , never help and never bring anything; god hate them. The rose colored glasses definitely extend to family members. We have come full circle; the things I in the beginning loved about him , at about 15 years , drove me nuts. Now at 26 years ; I find them humorous ; ahhhhh; acceptance and growth. Grocery shopping is foreplay , and Netflix’s is better than therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jaimieweb says:

    I love this! Thanks for this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] via If Honeyfunds Were Realistic — The Hamazon […]

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Juanita says:

    Just stumbled across this post, and we’re about to celebrate our two year wedding anniversary with a trip to NYC, love the humor and reality. Especially Netflix, what a cure all. lol. Love it!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. missb says:

    Uh-oh. Quite a picture you’ve painted. Keeping this as reference. Getting married next year :P

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 😂😂 just seen this & made me laugh!! So funny & Hmmm some similarities 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Don says:

    Love this!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hilarious post. Love the way you put it together!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The Journey in a snapshot. Very nice. And true.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sok Sareth says:

    Your are both beauti!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Mel Gutiér says:

    So funny. Love is such a funny character sometimes. Clever and devious all at once. Materially speaking, love has not control over what we do. Great post. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This just showed up for me too but loved it, especially since my 1 year anniversary is in a couple of weeks. Funny to relive some of the spending nonsense.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. How about $500 for an IKEA futon, when one spouse needs to escape the other’s Restless Leg Syndrome?

    Liked by 2 people

  14. […] via If Honeyfunds Were Realistic — The Hamazon […]

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Haha this was a great post and laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This just came up on my reader even though it’s from last year. It made me laugh even if it has worried me about times to come! :P

    Liked by 1 person

  17. sjdaluz says:

    haha my husband would agree to this.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. It just came up in my reader, too. Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. calijones says:

    I’m not sure why this was emailed to me just now when it was posted in November, but it’s HILARIOUS and also makes me want to stay unmarried forever.

    Liked by 4 people

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