GoT Recap, Ep 3: Five Queens A-Warring

dianarigg

QUEEN AF

Welcome back to my Why Didn’t I Pick ‘Bob’s Burgers’ To Recap Game of Thrones recap! This episode had lots of jokes, subtle as they were. I appreciated all the dialogue, as we had a lot to get through this week. Spoilers and Buzzfeed headlines (in bold) ahead!

The 23 Greatest TV Show Meetings Of All Time

Jon Stark lands on Dragonstone beach for some polite diplomacy and a dragon surprise. They walk to the castle by way of the beach, a cliff, the Great Wall of China, another cliff, and then to the Great Hall, where Daenerys is waiting. She comes off as young, cold, and demanding; Jon is stubborn, dismissive, and demanding. Internally, I was screaming OH MY GOD THAT’S YOUR AUNT THAT’S 👏🏽 YOUR 👏🏽 AUNT 👏🏽 but externally, I was rocking back and forth saying “Thisishappeningthisishappening.” Their verbal skirmish is interrupted by Varys with some bad news about their ships. Like, they’re all on fire or at the bottom of the ocean.

31 Cliff Confrontations That Will Make You Want Your Own Nemesis

Lord Varys does his best to snark up a cliff and intimidate Melisandre but she’s all Remember how I know more than you and have magic on my side and Varys scurries off. I can’t wait for him to confess whatever he saw in the flames as a brand-new eunuch — he’s connected to The Lord of Light, just not sure how.

9 Painful Truths Only A Theon Greyjoy Would Understand  

Theon gets fished out of the water by some fellow ironborn who clearly have no respect for him, which works for everyone because Theon doesn’t respect Theon, either.

21 Psychotic Ship Captains Who Resemble Current Rock Stars 

Cut to Euron Greyjoy bringing his female captors  through the streets of King’s Landing like some kind of homicidal homecoming queen. “Look at them, cheering for Greyjoy,” he says, smiling happily at a chained-up Yara. He rides his horse right into the Great Hall of the Red Keep – which honestly, seems like a dick move, that’s basically someone’s living room – and presents his gift to Queen Cersei: Ellaria and her favorite daughter, Tyene. Ellaria spits at Cersei, and I was like NOOO GURL U R DOOOOMED.

Jaime: If you turn on us, they will cheer to see your head mounted on a spike.

Euron: Or yours – they just like severed heads, really.

13 On-Screen Kisses Ranked From Good To Evil 

It’s Doom O’Clock in Cersei’s well-lit dungeon, and here is Lena Headey at her finest. Fierce, sad, confessional, nonchalant, vengeful, complimentary, grief-stricken, mean – she moves through these opposites smoothly and purposefully. Just as impressive is Indira Varma as Ellaria, with no dialogue since she’s gagged – but her performance was so heart-wrenching. Here are two formidable actresses and characters in what (I assume) is their final scene together, and they seriously nail it. Cersei lays it down and gives The Long Farewell kiss to Tyene — exactly how Ellaria killed Myrcella, Cersei’s only beloved daughter. Honestly, the whole thing was poetic as fuck.

11 Game of Thrones Relationships That Make Your Relationship Seem Healthy 

You know what could be fun now? MOAR INCEST between Jaime and Cersei Lannister, said no one ever. Still, it happened again and no one was struck by lightning. Not yet, anyway. Perhaps they are paving the way for Jon and Dany to get it on.

The 25 Best Investment Bankers In Braavos 

Three cheers for Mark Gatiss, who we haven’t seen since Season 5, as Braavos banker Tycho Nestoris. He and Cersei have a little chat about debts owed, Daenerys, and the slave trade (which the Iron Bank is losing money on), which turns into Cersei saying she’ll pay in full in a fortnight. A fortnight is like 14 days, which seems pretty…hopeful…but a Lannister always pays their debts so this should be interesting. I also loved Mark in Sherlock, Doctor Who, Taboo, Poirot, and Spaced.

17 Facts About Dragonglass That Will Surprise You 

Jon Snow and Tyrion meet on a cliff to brood and chat about their inevitable demise at the hands of a zombie army. “Children are not their fathers, that’s lucky for all of us,” says Tyrion. “She protects people from monsters, just as you do.”

Jon: *broods harder*

Jon: Need dragonglass.

Tyrion: I’m on it.

22 Reunions Ranked By Most Exciting To Totally Creepy 

Sansa uses her brain so much that Littlefinger compliments her on it, long enough to stop smirking for one second, but then it’s back and better than ever. He gives her some smirky lecture about strategery and then FINALLY, A STARK REUNION…but it’s…feck, where’s Arya? Bran is still — so Bran. No warm fuzzies for this pair of siblings, though Sansa seems genuinely happy to see him. He gets really extra by the weirwood tree like Oh hey, I was but a spectral witness to the horrors that occurred on your wedding night, no biggie. And Sansa’s all WTF LATERZ CREEP.

50 Men Over 50 Who’ve Still “Got It” and We Don’t Mean Greyscale 

SIR JORAH IS SAVED FROM GREYSCALE — UNSURPRISED HUZZAH! But how? “I read the books and followed the instructions,” Samwell says. Oh. Cool. Years and years and physicians and maesters from all over the world couldn’t cure this disease, but Sam does it by merely scraping off the greyscale and treating it with antibacterial body wash from Walgreens. That was (painfully) easy. Jorah thanks Samwell by rubbing his previously infected hand all over Sam’s and then screams Daenerys’ name into the heavens. Okay, he didn’t but you know he wanted to.

16 War Strategies That Surprised Everyone Except Cersei Lannister 

War room talk. Casterly Rock is taken by the Unsullied, but way too easily – when they finally take the castle, Euron Greyjoy has laid waste to their ships. The rest of the Lannister army? Taking Highgarden, the Tyrell’s castle in The Reach — holding the most gold in Westeros. God, Cersei is smart. Also diabolical.

100 Times Diana Rigg of ‘The Avengers’ Was Savage AF 

This was also an incredible last performance by Diana Rigg, her finest on the show. The dialogue for Lady Olenna was so on point, and her perfectly-timed, final fuck-you to Cersei — the confession bomb she dropped about killing their son, Joffrey — was a real thing of beauty. The Lannisters may have taken her castle and wiped out her line, but she stole that celebratory moment from Jaime. She was like ‘Ok Ima die now so time for the triple middle finger emoji.’ Sigh. That’s how I want to go someday. 

Thoughts: Daenerys is quick to tell anyone within earshot that she was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms, but I’m not sure that’s actually true. She was definitely born to be some kind of 1) savior and 2) uniter of the people, but that doesn’t mean she can or will rule. Now that her plan is going to shit, it will be interesting to see how they rally. I feel the same about Cersei and King’s Landing but I’m remembering the prophecy about how she’ll be killed by her sibling and I really hope it is Jaime. 

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4 thoughts on “GoT Recap, Ep 3: Five Queens A-Warring

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