Welcome to the shortest Game of Thrones recap I could possibly write, and that’s just because I cut out the entire battle scene. Spoilers ahead but I know you’ve already seen it, possibly twice (me, to be honest, five times – and I watched this reaction video a few times, too). To the past!
We open with two white guys on horses discussing castle maintenance. Cool.
Cersei daydrinks with her accountant, Mycroft Holmes.
Littlefinger plays smirky uncle to Bran, who totally owns him with “Chaos is a ladder,” which sounds like something my old drug dealer would’ve said about the government or love. Littlefinger gifts him with Valyrian steel — more specifically, the weapon used in Bran’s attempted murder — which I think is inappropriate because Valyrian steel is traditionally given on your 11th anniversary.
Meera and Bran say an unsatisfactory goodbye. Bran isn’t Bran anymore, he’s whacked out on some drug called The Three-Eyed Raven. I was indignant on Meera’s behalf. “SHE DRAGGED HIS ASS A THOUSAND MILES THROUGH SNOW AND THE UNDEAD AND LOST ALL HER LOVED ONES AND BRAN’S LIKE, K THX BAI?!?!!!”
Arya comes home to find two Paul Blart cops of Winterfell blocking her way. She does not kill them even though I want her to because she’s a goddamn killing machine and I like supporting at-risk youth in their hobbies, so I say LEAN IN, ARYA. LEAN ALL THE WAY IN.
Arya and Sansa hug but their reunion hug is like a handshake that’s warm and somewhat professional.
Arya: I’m into killing and baking now.
Sansa: “I’m into killing and baking, Lady Stark.”
Then Arya and Sansa and Bran reunite and it’s weird because Bran. His storyline so far has been one oversized WHAT? I know he’s instrumental to the overall story but could he mate with a tree now or something?
Sansa makes a grocery list while Arya kicks Brienne’s ass. Lovely to see them battle it out like the proper bad bitches they are. Most impressive to me was Arya’s swordplay, as Maisie Williams is actually right-handed but plays Arya as she was in the books: a lefty. Brienne gets a proper beating and Littlefinger farts out a wintry smirk. You can tell the ladies respect each other and I look forward to seeing them go ham on some White Walkers together.
Daenerys and Jon Snow go into a cave filled with dragonglass and do not make out once. There’s cave graffiti that’s important in there but I was just thinking, ‘Wow, this torchlight is so romantic! Are his eyes smoldering and lingering? Why do her decorative hair tendrils look especially suggestive in this cavelight?’ Everyone has been shipping these two unfortunately-related kids, including Yours Truly — my favorite being Fuck Watch 2017: Incest Is Best Edition on Gay of Thrones. No judgment! She agrees to fight the White Walkers but not while Jon’s leg remains so stubbornly straight. #BendTheKnee
Theon lands on Dragonstone to ask for help but finds Jon Snow instead. Not a happy family reunion. Oh, Theon. You have both the worst and dumbest luck. I’m so conflicted about you.
We join Jaime and Bronn (AND DICKON, who looks hot in a suit, as a pirate, next to 100 pounds of rope, and in the shower – hey, you’re welcome!) just chillin’ in a field with their soldiers. I could not properly recap what happens next in under 4,000 words, so I wrote it in emoji form:
As Donna Meagle says, “The Dothraki can get it.” She was referring to sex but ‘it’ works for battle, too. The horse lords get to show their expertise in an open field – like riding a horse and shooting an arrow isn’t hard enough, these guys basically get on ladders on top of their horses and kill from a galloping double-decker bus – and Dany gets to show off her dragon kiddo’s best dance moves.
Bronn shoots Drogon with Cersei’s dragon ballista and finally hits his target. Dragon-blasted! Dany lands her scaly 757 and tries to help – I had questions, post-hit, about velocity and speed and other science stuff, but ultimately it doesn’t matter – which gives her a vulnerability I hadn’t seen in awhile. Jaime charges at her, the idiot (Tyrion’s words, not mine).
One moment Jaime’s riding his horse in an inch of water at the edge of a lake, the next moment he’s being saved from a fiery death by being pushed into said lake, which is now some kind of bottomless body of water in the middle of Wild West country. I’m no lake expert, but I’m sure that made some lake experts mad.
So — is Jaime dead or what? Armor is fucking heavy and, last seen, he was plummeting down (can one plummet in water? I think so) at an alarming speed. But he’s also a big piece in this convoluted board game, so I would be surprised if that was Lights Out for him. Would’ve been a good time for Bronn to perish, though. Not that I wanted him to, but I would have accepted it on this particular field of battle. He fought honorably, whatever his status.