Welcome to… all this shit aka The Episode 5 Recap of Game of Thrones. We open like two miles from where Bronn saved his workwife from impending dragon doom. Not sure how he and Jaime made it that far underwater without magic or a shitload of gillyweed, but I’m suspending disbelief since this is a show about zombies versus dragons.
Tyrion walks through the ashy aftermath of last week’s battle and contemplates man’s inhumanity to man. Not once does he stroke his beard thoughtfully. That was a missed opportunity.
Daenerys gives a lovely pep talk to her new white prisoners about how she’s definitely not a murderer and totally chill. Then she’s all BEND THE KNEE, BITCHES (like, this is seriously becoming her thing) and Drogon’s like DID SHE STUTTER, SHE SAID BEND YA FUCKIN KNEE and boy howdy, do they ever.
Drogon wipes out the Tarly fam with a fiery kiss. “DRACARYS” is now my favorite thing to say when someone gets my order wrong at Starbucks. The showrunners make Tom Hopper say “Dickon Tarly” one last time, and for some reason, he does not take any of his clothes off. Drogon burns them off but it’s highly unsatisfying. This was the wrong direction to go in but that’s just one woman’s opinion. I guess Samwell is the Last Tarly Standing.
Back at King’s Landing…
Jamie: Gurl, we gonna lose
Cersei: What is with the men on this show, BEND THE KNEE
Jon and Drogon have a petting zoo moment on a Dragonstone cliff, brought to you by half of the blood in Jon Snow’s body – the hidden Targaryen half. Dany’s like “Hey lover, have you ever had sex on a dragon?” Okay, fine, she doesn’t say that but her smoldering eyes fucking do. Jon petting Drogon was Dany’s equivalent of a hot guy holding your baby, so you know he got major points for that.
Now this is a dragon. I don’t understand what it takes to create a real-looking dragon for television, but this is exactly what I always hoped was possible. Drogon’s team of super smart designers and engineers should get an award for their amazing work on this. No Pete’s Dragon for me, no sir – give me a giant beast of burden with teeth the size of my legs and the ability to kill 100 men in one quick sec. Much obliged.
JORAH THE FANBOY IS BACK and hey-o, what’s with all the tension? You could hear the quotation marks around Dany’s use of the word “friend,” and then that reunion hug was kind of totally intimate. Jon Snow’s like WHAT, I’M NOT JEALOUS and Jorah’s all COOL, ME NEITHER. This should get interesting. Dare I wish for some kind of threesome? I guess I daren’t.
Back to Bran doing Bran stuff. He sends his ravens beyond the wall to see how close the White Walkers are, and unsurprisingly THEY’RE LIKE FIVE FEET AWAY. Okay, they’re a bit farther out but not by much. Bran has just been so useless — why not send ravens with all the pertinent info to those who need it? Not just a cryptic “I need to speak with Jon.” SPILL YOUR SECRETS AND SAVE THE WORLD, BRAN.
Samwell appeals to the maesters in The Citadel about Bran’s message of the White Walkers but they’re too busy chortling and wearing sack robes to take him seriously.
Cut to Varys and Tyrion, drinking in front of my favorite throne, discussing the cruelty of their masters.
Tyrion: I’m not the one doing the cruelty.
Varys: Coolcoolcool, me neither.
Jon Snow finds out Bran and Arya are alive *YAY* and that the White Walkers are preeeetty close. Sir Davos, Jorah, Tyrion, Varys, and Jon come up with a really stupid idea: Pick up a wight beyond the wall (NO BIGGIE) and bring it to Cersei (NOPE) to prove there’s a bigger war to wage. I say good fucking luck with that.
Arya and Sansa are back to being complete opposites and Arya gets creepy, but it supports what I’ve been hoping for all along: a surprise Sansa uprising. Sansa’s like ISN’T BRAN CREEPY ENOUGH and walks away.
Bronn fools Jaime into meeting Tyrion in the King’s Landing storage space and that does not go well.
Sir Davos goes searching for the sexiest blacksmith in the land and goddamn, that Gendry glowed up. It’s so important that Robert Baratheon’s son has a seat at the table, if only to fuck that table over. Gendry and his baby blues – that Baratheon give-away – pulls out a hammer on steroids and head to the beach. Tyrion shows up and things go awry but they make their escape. Adventure time.
CERSEI SAYS SHE’S PREGNANT WITH WHAT I ASSUME IS A HEMOPHILIAC AND THEY SEEM REALLY PLEASED ABOUT THAT. I’m not really cool with Incest Love Child but I’m hating Cersei’s ginger wig more. Remember when she was golden-haired? Now she’s like Alfred E. Newman’s demonic sister.
Jon and Gendry meet and have a friendly mindmeld. Awwww, yay, new besties! Both made of good intentions and super hot genes. The men prepare to shove off from Dragonstone toward their foolhardy errand.
Tyrion: “You may not believe it, but I’ve missed you, Mormont. Nobody glowers quite like you. Not even Greyworm.” A-MEN. I’ll take Jorah glowering over Littlefinger smirking — but luckily, I can have both. For now.
Book Club Time: SAMWELL INTERRUPTS GILLY AT THE WORST MOMENT. GODDAMN IT, SAM. Pretty sure she was going to say that Rhaegar (Jon’s father) got an annulment and married Lyanna Stark (Jon’s mother) in Dorne, but maybe there’s a twist. Isn’t there always? Samwell robs the Citadel, grabs his family, quotes his dead father (who he doesn’t know is dead yet), and they’re gone into the night. This whole show is a medieval telenovela.
Arya stalks Littlefinger at Winterfell, though I’m not sure why she’s doing it as Arya and not as one of the maids. She finds a loaded message hidden in his bedroom but it’s a plant. He’s one step ahead of her, something you should’ve known was going to happen because of all that goddamn smirking.
Finally, Team Dragon-North reaches Eastwatch. The Hound and those Lord of Light fellas are also there (Gendry: Awk-ward!) and want to go past The Wall, too. Oh good, a whole load of male idiots with the same terrible idea. Still #TeamTormund — I’m glad he’s part of this but assume he will be sacrificed for being so beloved. With so many favorites on this foolish trip, we’re bound to lose some people.
Beric: Here we all are, at the edge of the world, at the same moment, heading in the same direction, for the same reason.
Thoughts: This episode, in comparison to the last one, was a little bit yawn. All I’m saying is, my blood pressure didn’t go through the roof like last week. That’s probably on purpose because we’re only two episodes away from the end. I assume the next two will be heavy on fighting and intensity, so this reprieve was okay by me. I’m pretty interested in the quieter storylines right now – minus Bran, though I know he’s important – because the Daenerys/Jon Snow storylines are starting to feel like a magic trick. We’re so focused on them but the real story is probably elsewhere.