Welcome to the last Game of Thrones recap until we gather again in what seems like 20 years for the final six episodes of Season 7. Many of us may already be dead from what I assume is World War III, co-sponsored by Russia and Donald Trump’s energy drink for the American people: Orange Monster Blast! “Orange You Glad You Got Blasted Today?” Now with 10% more meth (FDA approval still pending).
Just kidding — we won’t have an FDA by then.
The hallowed Game of Thrones recaps that came before:
As always, sexy boat spoilers ahead!
Two Philosophers Talk About Dongs
We open with the Unsullied just hanging in a field outside of King’s Landing. I suspect this is what they do even on their days off — I mean, what would they do in a Target? I also can’t believe how many there are – the Lannister army took over Highgarden with a teeny tiny fraction of this army.
“Maybe it really is all cocks in the end,” Jaime muses as he and Bronn gaze at the army of eunuchs. I think Cersei, Daenerys, Sansa, Arya, Brienne, Melisandre, and Yara would give you major side-eye for that, Jaime.
Add Dany’s battle gods to the mix, those Dothraki horselords – oh, hello, here they are in all their artfully-torn, suede-vested glory – and basically Cersei is doomed.
Bronn: I think we’re about to be the downtrodden.
Jaime: Can’t you just be supportive at these company meetings? Jesus.
The Silence and Euron’s armada are docked menacingly outside King’s Landing as Team Dragon-Wolf sail into the harbor. The Silence is so enormous and imposing and cartoonish that I feel like I’m at Disneyland, waiting for a pirate-themed water ride. The Hound goes below deck to check on Terry, our favorite undead comrade and – you guessed it – he’s feisty as ever. Perhaps it’s the box they put him in for this long ocean voyage, or his thirst for human blood, but that’s what we love about Terry: his can-do spirit in the darkest of
boxes times. He also makes a mean guacamole.
Host Your Next Corporate Retreat at a Unique Facility: The Dragonpit at King’s Landing!
Everyone’s in town for the mandatory government convention but no one wants to be there. I’m excited for all the potential shade with so many imminent reunions.
Group #1: Jon Snow, Tyrion, Sir Jorah, Theon, The Hound, Sir Davos, Missandei, some Dothraki dudes, and Terry.
Group #2: Bronn, Brienne, Podrick, and a Lannister soldier welcome party.
Group #2 greets Group #1 on the road and escorts them to the dragonpit. Everyone is wary, but I was screeching about Brienne and The Hound. Was that a tender moment?
Podrick and Tyrion reunite and it’s very sweet. The Hound and Brienne bond over Arya, which made me “Awwwwww” until my eyes bled out. Bronn and Tyrion reunite, and I wonder what kind of hilarious trouble that will lead to. There’s this foreboding feeling of WTF DOOM mixed with a “back at summer camp with my buddies” vibe.
Both groups walk into the dragonpit together, then Bronn and Podrick leave because apparently Bronn and Cersei used to bone in real life and cannot work on the same set together. So many levels of reunion drama, I can hardly stand it.
Group #3 arrives second to last: The Mountain, Cersei, Jaime, Qyburn, Euron, and another bunch of soldiers.
The Hound and The Mountain have a very public family reunion and not the bloody Cleganebowl we all want. That better be an amazing 20-minute fight to the death next season — The Burnt Dog versus The Rape Zombie? Sounds 900 times better than that overpriced McGregor-Mayweather dick-swinging yawnfest.
Hound: GURL U ALWAYS BEEN TRASH
Mountain: *takes off giant earrings*
Group #4: Daenerys, Rhaegar, Drogon, and a swell of majestic choral music by Ramin Djawadi that makes Dany’s late entrance super fucking extra. This is how I want to arrive at meetings from now on.
Cersei: I’ve been waiting here forever.
Dany: I can see that — what are you now, like, 40?
You’ve been there for all of five minutes, Cersei, just check your Twitter feed or something. Euron gets all rock-out/cock-out as per usual and tells nephew Theon to bend the knee. Read the room, Euron, damn! This shit ain’t about you, son.
Terry Leans All The Way In
Tyrion calls the meeting to order.
We have serious words, snarky words, words of disbelief, and lots of resting bitch face, then The Hound finally brings out Terry to shut the whole thing down. Once Terry is unleashed, it’s clear he’s been devouring Sheryl Sandberg’s latest book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy while trapped in a box at sea. He really leans into his talents and scares the shit out of everyone, including the non-believers (I see you, Cersei). Qyburn the Qreepy gets all O-face about it and tries to make out with Terry’s hand, but Terry’s not going out like that.
Terry: YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST, ASSHOLES
Jon gives a demo not unlike the food demo I attended at Williams Sonoma, where they taught us how to make holiday cookies with orange zest and ginger. They looked like gingerbread Christmas cookies to me, but the chirpy woman insisted they were “spiced holiday cookies” you could buy in-store for 10% off. I passed.
Jon: You can burn Terry and others like Terry with fire or dragonglass…
Terry: WAIT, WHAT
Pour one out for Terry, who perished way too soon. We hardly knew you but what we did know was frightening as fuck. Terry embodied the true meaning of ‘perseverance,’ and never let anyone or anything get in his way (besides boxes, fire, and dragonglass). Terry was good at running, killing, and being cut in half. He will be missed and probably forgotten.
Euron watches The Terry Show, says PEACE OUT Y’ALL, and then actually peaces out. Cersei is properly horrified by the entire spectacle and it seems like they all get on the same page. Finally! She just has but one request: The King in The North stays neutral until The Great War is over.
Jon Snow decides this is the best moment to explain he’s actually on #TeamSexyAunt and everyone is like YOU FUCKING TOSSER. Cersei leaves without agreeing to the truce.
Brienne: FUCK LOYALTY
Jaime: Oh my!
Tyrion decides he’s going to talk with Cersei – why why why whyyyy – and that goes pretty well, if by ‘well’ we mean they’re both alive at the end of their exchange. She blames him for the destruction of their family (that old chestnut) and he figures out she’s prego. Somehow he convinces her to extend the truce and not murder him, which is both suspicious and impressive because most pregnant women are homicidal monsters.
Just Some Casual Conversation Between Co-Workers
Dany: I can’t have children.
Jon: This again?
Mad Queens Always Change Their Minds
Tyrion comes back, and with him, Cersei and her posse.
Cersei: Fine. Let’s all hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya.’
Everyone else: …ok?
At Winterfell, Sansa and Littlefinger discuss Jon’s bent knee, the possibility of an alliance, and Arya’s new murderous identity. Littlefinger gives Sansa a lesson on how to ferret out your enemies, and she comes to the conclusion that Arya wants to murder her so she can be Lady of Winterfell. Because we all know Arya loves being a lady.
Playing ‘Risk’ in the Dragonstone War Room
Jon: You wanna ride in my car to the thing or ?
Dany: Sure, sure, whatever works, cool.
Brothers Will Be Brothers
Theon and Jon have a tete-a-tete by the Dragonstone throne. It’s actually very cathartic, and you can see and feel that Theon is embracing this new self, this new reality. Perhaps on the boat, Terry slipped him Sheryl Sandberg’s first bestselling book, Lean In: Women, Work, and The Will to Lead. Oprah would be proud. Jon forgives what he can, which is very Stark of him, and Theon decides to rescue Yara.
Then Theon battles it out with his countrymen, vying for their support in saving Yara and beating the shit out of Iron Island Alpha Dude on the beach. Theon washes Alpha Dude’s blood off of himself in the ocean, a kind of salty baptism every Greyjoy needs. Finally, that nonexistent cock is back.
The Hand That Rocked The Cradle
Back to Winterfell, where Sansa stares out into the snowy moor. “Bring my sister to the Great Hall,” she says ominously. Arya is brought before Sansa, Bran, the maester, and their army to account for murder and mayhem. HA HA, JUST KIDDING. It’s the Littlest of Fingers and the Smirkiest of Smirks who’s on trial here, and boy, is that smirky bitch surprised. I knew all this Stark sister bullshit was a ruse.
Arya kills Littlefinger in the Great Hall with the knife that started everything; everyone is like “Cool beans” and then goes about their day. I heard the screams of sheer joy echoing throughout the halls of this planet — ding dong, the fingerwitch is dead! So much satisfaction watching him blubber for his life. Guess I’ll have to rely on #TeamJorah now for all of my sexy, older-man ogling.
Shutting Down Your Sister-Wife
Cersei reveals to Jaime that she lied – gasp! I thought she’d read The Four Agreements but I was wrong – about supporting The Great War. Cersei’s a smart, sadistic cookie — let the dragons and Unsullied and Dothraki fight The Night King, while Euron picks up her mercenary army (The Golden Company) in Essos and brings them back to King’s Landing to fight.
For the first time, Jaime and Cersei vehemently disagree. She forbids him from leaving (with a bonus “The Mountain will kill you” fake-out), and Jaime leaves in a huff to go North to fight with his honor intact. On his way out of the city, it begins to snow. OMINOUS!
Excellent Timing As Always, BRAN
Samwell, Gilly, and Baby arrive at Winterfell. Sam finds Bran being fucking Bran, and explains he is there to help Jon Snow with The Great War.
Sam: What happened to you beyond the Wall?
Bran: I became the 3-Eyed Raven.
Sam: Oh! I don’t know what that means.
NONE OF US DO, SAM.
This is the totally inopportune moment that Bran decides to go all in and become Miss Chatty Cathy. WTF, BRAN, SEND A GODDAMN RAVEN, SEND A THOUSAND GODDAMN RAVENS. HERE, I WILL HELP YOU:
Your real parents are Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, meaning you are part-dragon and the rightful King of all Seven Kingdoms. I promise, more deets later but just don’t fuck Daenerys, she’s your aunt okay? That could get awkward.
Your three-eyed animal cousin,
So, between Bran and Samwell, they figure out Jon Snow’s parentage: Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark were in love and married before Jon was born, in a secret hippie-dippy ceremony by the river (that we all saw at the same time Bran does, I thought you could see everything at all times, BRAN). Actually, it’s not Jon Snow anymore, it’s Aegon Targaryen, his real name. I totally shrieked at that reveal. Also, that means Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie and I’m wondering who will pay for it.
“He loved her,” says Bran. So it’s official. And those relatives are gonna bone.
YES! NO! YES! NO! NO! MAYBE! YES!
Cut to Jon Snow knocking on Dany’s door at sea for what should’ve been the hottest scene ever but was kind of lukewarm for me with Bran’s voiceover of GUESS WHAT, GUYS, THEY’RE RELATED. I shrieked ‘YES’ and ‘NO’ a thousand times during that #sexyboatscene, and landed on mostly-yes until Jon looked into Dany’s eyes for five minutes without blinking, something that would creep me out during sex, so I was more #TeamNo by the end. Well, maybe more like #TeamNoThanksButItsHappeningSoWhateverOkay.
Kit Harington’s ass was primo, though. Much greatness, much applause.
Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves
Stark sisters, to be specific — these two boss bitches stand at Winterfell, owning their Starkness in the midst of all this snow and ready to defend their home. They miss their father. We all do. I cried, I really did, thinking of all they went through to get there. It’s so isolated out there, so I’m glad they found each other. #ImWithHerAndHer
Wargin’ Hard At The Wall
Bran and the weirwood tree commune while his ravens fly to Eastwatch to witness the undoing of The Wall. Tormund and Beric see the undead army emerge from the trees, then suddenly stop. WTF, THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM. Then here comes Viserion the Undead Dragon being flown around by The Night King — NOT COOL, MAN. That dragon breathes cold fire (or what, like hot ice fire? How does this work?) and summarily takes down part of The Wall in about three minutes. So much for all the magic and majesty of The Impenetrable Ice Wall of The North. Not sure if Tormund made it but if that’s how he goes out, I will stab a showrunner, I honestly will. And so the undead march on toward Winterfell in the shape of the Stark sigil. What the fuck does that mean? In two years, I guess we’ll find out. But only if we live that long. #AMERICA