With only four episodes left, we need to discuss something important: When a Game of Thrones moment lands. Throughout the series, the joke in our living room has been “Oh no, that was a really nice moment between him/her/them. DEATH IMMINENT.” But now we’re actually in Moment = Perish territory, and the moments happening — everywhere at Winterfell, between everyone — cannot be ignored. Every sweet word, meaningful look, frank conversation, bear hug — I wonder if George Arr! Arr! is setting me up and they’re destined for the Night King’s army aka Obliterating My Spirit Until Time Dies…which I guess is Bran now? It makes all these lovely moments feel like emotional traps and I don’t know how many panic attacks I can take in the next four weeks.
Daenerys vs JaimeTyrionSansaJonBrienne
Dany: FATHERKILLER. ONE HAND-HAVER.
Jaime: We were at war. I was warring for my warring family and I would totes war again.
Bran: The things we do for love.
Brienne defends Jaime with the story of how he lost that hand, and Sansa says fiiine, which is no bueno for Daenerys.
Dany: Jon darling, a little back up here?
Gendry is hard at work, sweating and pounding and muscling away in a fiery blacksmithing K-hole. Arya rolls up for some flirty White Walker chat and a free knife-tossing performance. Is there a reason Gendry insists on wearing a shirt all the fucking time? I just know his abs will set all of Westeros free.
Jaime and Bran’s Weirwood Tree Chat:
Jaime: Sorry for… you know…. *kicks rock*
Bran: I know everything because I am everything. It’s a very long story that doesn’t make sense.
Jaime and Tyrion hang and chat about Hurricane Cersei with the terrible hair.
Jaime: She’s always been good at using the truth to tell lies.
Tyrion: You loved her, lol.
Jaime and Brienne watch Podrick swing a sword around. Hey, Podrick! God, I love Podrick. And not just because he’s Westerosi’s bestest loverrrr. He’s just that super nice guy you can always rely on and oh shit, he’s probably gonna die. Fuck.
I don’t care that Sir Jorah is 57 and previously diseased and a Dany fangirl, I stan that man so hard. He’s got the broad shoulders of *turns volume up* A HERO.
There were so many fireside chats in this episode, I felt like Fireside Chat was a new character.
Dany v Sansa’s Fireside Chat
Sansa: Jon loves you.
Dany: Well, we have a lot in common.
They get on the same page, they even hold hands and use correct grammar (“Who manipulated whom?”) but then Sansa asks the real question: What happens to the North, who will never bow down to a new ruler? HAND-HOLDING OVER.
Theon’s back at Winterfell. I legit cried. It felt like such a full-circle moment (ohshit) to see Sansa and Theon back together again — two members of the most fucked-up survivors support group ever — and even though they might die in the next four episodes, that’s cool. Their reunion scene was the one I didn’t know I was waiting for. ALL THE YAYS.
The Onion Knight gives out friendly war advice and soup. There’s a callback to Shireen for Ser Davos and Gilly, but I was just staring at the heaps of bread on the table because I’m currently off bread and would eat as much old timey Winterfell bread I could before battle.
Jon, Beric, Tormund, Dolores Edd and Samwell have a reunion. Hey, remember when we all went on that stupid camping trip and bonded over almost dying??? Memories!
Tormund tells them The Undead Army will be arriving before sunrise. It was at this moment that I realized I’m not ready for battle, fictional or otherwise.
Tormund: “The big woman still here?” The writers went whole hog on the ham in this episode. Lots of funny little dialogue, lots of wry comments and conversations. Necessary lightness before the heavy arrives.
Of all the montages to have, the “preparing for war” montage is probably my least favorite, but at least we got to see how prepared Winterfell is for battle which is… I mean, it’s like one castle of peeps versus how many undead? I’m not good at math but it doesn’t add up. I have a theory about Melisandre and also the crypts but will wait to see how it plays out.
War Room Fireside Chat
Jon: We are fucked.
Bran: He’ll come for me.
Samwell: Why? What does he want?
Bran: An endless night. He wants to erase this world, and I am its memory.
WELL FUCKING FINALLY, BRAN, THANKS FOR SOME ACTUAL INFO MERE MINUTES BEFORE YOU ALL DIE.
I have to say, it’s been nice seeing all five “children” at Winterfell together: Jon, Sansa, Arya, Bran, and let’s throw in Theon since he grew up there.
Tormund: We’re all going to die. But at least we’ll die together. *looks at Brienne*
Bran and Tyrion sit down for their own fireside chat. I’m sure Tyrion will learn something useful from it and apply that world-famous brain to either the battle or post-battle, should he survive.
Greyworm and Missandei have a moment. Damn it.
Samwell reminds the guys what’s up: He’s the Killer of White Walkers, the Lover of Ladies. Though I assume because he keeps mentioning the stolen Citadel books, his brain will be more useful in the end than his brawn.
Fireside Chat #4706
Tyrion: I wish father were here.
Brienne and Podrick show up. Ser Davos joins. Tormund arrives.
Tormund: They call me Giantsbane. Want to know why?
Then he tells perhaps the greatest story told in the history of Game of Thrones and drinks from a giant horn because Tormund. Is he going to live? I said no in my Dead Pool but it would be cool if he did.
They’ve been going hard in the direction of making Arya look like A Grown-Up — sassy one-liners, drinking with The Hound, throwing knives around — so it wouldn’t freak us all out when she got naked on-screen and went full-on Game of Bones with the hottest blacksmith in town. Could you hear me shrieking? But let’s be real: That was probably the healthiest, most consensual sexual encounter to ever happen on this series. And they weren’t even related in the slightest.
Back to Fireside Chat #4706:
Brienne is knighted in what was probably the most satisfying scene for me in this series to date. Of course I cried — every time I watched the episode, I cried at this part. No one deserved to be knighted more than her. As Tormund said, “Fuck tradition.”
Samwell gives his family sword, Heartsbane, to Ser Jorah. Heartsbane is important to the end, I know that much. Valyrian steel in Ser Jorah’s sexy hand again = let’s gooooo.
Podrick sings a Florence + The Machine song and does a good job. Again, I love that Podrick and hope his potential death isn’t too gruesome.
Jon and Dany: all is revealed in the crypts. She takes it like Veruca Salt. “I want an Iron Throne, Nephew, and I want one NOW!” Interesting that neither of them seem overly concerned that they’ve been banging a family member. Jon’s reaction was like “My father LIED TO ME?” and Dany was all “DON’T FUCK WITH MY PROFESSIONAL AMBITIONS” so we’ll see if the whole incest thing is actually addressed.
The White Walkers arrive. It feels so soon but I know there’s only four episodes left. I *am* ready for whatever’s going to happen in the crypts — Game of Thrones has always been formulaic in prepping us for a surprise. So hearing THE CRYPTS ARE THE SAFEST PLACE TO BE a dozen times in two episodes should be warning enough for us all.