Author Archives: thehamazon

“What Did You Do?”

 

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In the distant future — if there is one — I see our perfect fictional grandbaby looking up from her crib and saying, “Bestefar and Tinamatua (I assume this is what she will call us), what did you do in response to America’s swan song into fascist mediocrity and gun violence?” (I assume this is how she will talk.) And it gives me some anxiety, wondering if future me will tell that baby genius the truth. I wonder how many of my friends and family think about this inevitable conversation, and if they will tell future loved ones the whole story. Because I’m guessing the answer for most Americans will be some version of “Well… we didn’t do much.” Turns out agonizing over the world on a public forum is not the same as addressing the agony itself. 

What did you do? 

Like everyone else, I posted a diverse set of curated memes to multiple social media channels, sometimes up to three consecutive days after each shooting or racial incident. I used a 60/40 split of shaming memes (I called these “shmemes”) plus funny political memes that made you kind of think without having to do much beyond choosing the proper emoji response on Facebook. I was personally responsible for thousands of posts over the years that really united people who already 100% agreed with me. And I did this for free, alongside my fellow Americans, because we couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

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List: Results From Googling “Mercury Retrograde 2019” (Real and Imagined)

mercuryretrograde

 

Results From Googling “Mercury Retrograde 2019” (Real and Imagined):

Don’t Panic! Your Mercury in Retrograde GOOP Survival Guide is Here

How Will Mercury Retrograde Affect Your Body? 

So You’ve Got A Case of The Mercury Retrograde Mondays

Mercury Retrograde is Resurfacing All Your Unresolved Issues

10 Fun Things To Do In Arizona During Mercury Retrograde

Tips For An Out-of-This-World Mercury Retrograde Birthday Party!

Mercury Retrograde: Here’s When You Can Expect Sh*t To Hit The Fan

Hooking Up With An Ex During Mercury Retrograde: Ignoring The Signs

Four Predictions On How Mercury Retrograde Will Mess With Cancers

Microdosing During Mercury Retrograde: The Ultimate To-Do List

All The Beauty Products You Need To Survive Mercury Retrograde

For Sale on Etsy: Unisex Mercury Retrograde Boho Festival Glitter Fringe Cape 

When Does Mercury Retrograde 2019 End? Because This Is Too Much

 

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Real: 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13

 

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k e x p + me

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“Where the music matters.”

You can usually tell how I’m doing by what kind of music I’m listening to. Did I sleep 12 hours, write 3,000 words of which 1,000 were funny, or wear the fiercest lip color to a meeting? Then it’s time for the Marika, You’re Killing It playlist: 13 songs that make me feel like the human equivalent of a hair flip. Did I do all of those things on the same day and wear heels for more than 10 minutes? That calls for the Bitch, You Are Basically Beyonce mix, a triumphant playlist of 33 songs guaranteed to make me feel like a boss. Point being, if I’m listening to Diana Ross, I’m pretty happy; if I’m listening to sad trombone noises, I probably got dumped by a clown.

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Game of Thrones Finale Recap

 

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Tyrion Bluth

We open in the City of Ashes. 

Tyrion and Jon and Co. stand around like human side-eye emojis and take it all in. Dead peeps everywhere. One lone flayed straggler wanders by in a daze. Tyrion makes his way to what was formerly The Red Keep.

Greyworm reminds us that he’s a hired killer and singularly-minded in obeying Dany’s managerial directions aka MURDER EVERYONE. He kills the followers of Cersei in the street.

The Imp takes a stroll down Memory Lane, then goes to find his awful siblings buried beneath one whole layer of bricks. This gratuitous b.s. brought to you by men who thought this would somehow be a tearjerker moment. NO ONE CARES THEY DIED. I would have been much happier with their untimely demise if Jaime had killed her first and then they died together. And Tyrion should be the last one crying over these incestuous dicks who did fuck-all to make the world a better place for anyone but themselves.

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SAYING GOT-BYE

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It must be Game of Thrones finale time

It’s the end of an actual decade of watching Game of Thrones together. I introduced my husband to the books many years ago, after one of my longtime besties, Kim, stayed persistent and made me read them. I refused for so long because the book jacket looked cheesy as hell — I think there was a white guy on his steed in the forest with a snowy castle in the background (Winterfell, probably) — and the first couple chapters were about spooky ghost folks in the woods, so I passed.

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