Category Archives: everything is awful

#MeToo Infinity

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It might be easier and take less time to make a list of women who haven’t been assaulted; a list of men who’ve never been inappropriate around women; a list of people who’ve never been on the internet or heard of Planet Earth. Every day, I brace myself for the dirtbag reveal and the toxic unraveling that follows:

NO

NOT HIM

SON OF A

GODDAMNIT

YOU KNOW WHAT

I FUCKING KNEW

BECAUSE IT’S EVERYONE

IT’S ALL OF THEM

IT’S SOCIETY

IT’S YOU

IT’S US

NO

HIM, TOO?

I KNEW IT

LET’S HIDE IN THE WOODS

Cut to me in a fleece ball on my bed, making sweet love to Netflix, and trying not to think of all the lecherous dickholes Amazon might be partnered with.

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A Cool Ranch of Marikas

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The other day I was in bed around 2 p.m. and wondered what the collective noun for a group of Marikas might be. This alone should tell you a few things:

1) I’m amazing

2) I spend much of my day in fleece pants

3) I need more friends or hobbies or maybe a reason to live

*

My favorite animal collectives are:

a murder of crows

a shrewdness of apes

a crash of rhinos

an unkindness of ravens

an ostentation of peacocks

a glitter of hummingbirds

a covert of coots

a bloat of hippopotami

 

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