Category Archives: everything is awful

“What Did You Do?”

 

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In the distant future — if there is one — I see our perfect fictional grandbaby looking up from her crib and saying, “Bestefar and Tinamatua (I assume this is what she will call us), what did you do in response to America’s swan song into fascist mediocrity and gun violence?” (I assume this is how she will talk.) And it gives me some anxiety, wondering if future me will tell that baby genius the truth. I wonder how many of my friends and family think about this inevitable conversation, and if they will tell future loved ones the whole story. Because I’m guessing the answer for most Americans will be some version of “Well… we didn’t do much.” Turns out agonizing over the world on a public forum is not the same as addressing the agony itself. 

What did you do? 

Like everyone else, I posted a diverse set of curated memes to multiple social media channels, sometimes up to three consecutive days after each shooting or racial incident. I used a 60/40 split of shaming memes (I called these “shmemes”) plus funny political memes that made you kind of think without having to do much beyond choosing the proper emoji response on Facebook. I was personally responsible for thousands of posts over the years that really united people who already 100% agreed with me. And I did this for free, alongside my fellow Americans, because we couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

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SAYING GOT-BYE

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It must be Game of Thrones finale time

It’s the end of an actual decade of watching Game of Thrones together. I introduced my husband to the books many years ago, after one of my longtime besties, Kim, stayed persistent and made me read them. I refused for so long because the book jacket looked cheesy as hell — I think there was a white guy on his steed in the forest with a snowy castle in the background (Winterfell, probably) — and the first couple chapters were about spooky ghost folks in the woods, so I passed.

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#MeToo Infinity

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It might be easier and take less time to make a list of women who haven’t been assaulted; a list of men who’ve never been inappropriate around women; a list of people who’ve never been on the internet or heard of Planet Earth. Every day, I brace myself for the dirtbag reveal and the toxic unraveling that follows:

NO

NOT HIM

SON OF A

GODDAMNIT

YOU KNOW WHAT

I FUCKING KNEW

BECAUSE IT’S EVERYONE

IT’S ALL OF THEM

IT’S SOCIETY

IT’S YOU

IT’S US

NO

HIM, TOO?

I KNEW IT

LET’S HIDE IN THE WOODS

Cut to me in a fleece ball on my bed, making sweet love to Netflix, and trying not to think of all the lecherous dickholes Amazon might be partnered with.

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A Cool Ranch of Marikas

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The other day I was in bed around 2 p.m. and wondered what the collective noun for a group of Marikas might be. This alone should tell you a few things:

1) I’m amazing

2) I spend much of my day in soft pants

3) I need more friends or hobbies or maybe a reason to live

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My favorite animal collectives are:

A murder of crows

A shrewdness of apes

A crash of rhinos

An unkindness of ravens

An ostentation of peacocks

A glitter of hummingbirds

A covert of coots

A bloat of hippopotami

 

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