Category Archives: humor

The Dealbreakers of Adonis

 

beachbun

This supremely hot friend of mine once listed off what he looked for in a girl. At the time, we were on my bed and he was getting a secretly-erotic-but-totally-platonic massage from Yours Truly. Did I mention the supremely hot part? The man was a living Adonis rising from the ocean right into my bedroom. No matter how many cheap beers I’d had, I was not going to fuck this up.

Definitely someone down to Earth. Sense of humor. Loves dogs, the outdoors, cooking, travel, also football. Wants a big family. Enjoys exercise and staying fit. Equal parts girly and tomboy. Great laugh. Easygoing. 

Besides ‘sense of humor,’ I resembled none of these things. That was fine, as we were better as friends, but I was curious what men like him – the shiny, top shelf standard in America – looked for in a life partner. So far, the list held zero surprises.

No smokers, no drug users, no Atheists, and definitely no pancake boobs.

Here was a list that was even less achievable for me. I was most surprised by the Atheist thing since I’d never known him to be religious. “You can’t believe in nothing, you have believe in something – and if you don’t, that’s just crazy!” he sort-of explained. This side of him was new to me, and not that interesting. I found it ironic that he couldn’t date some cancerous, godless druggie with delicious tits, when here he was getting a free massage from that exact woman.

“What the hell are pancake boobs?” I asked, picturing actual pancakes where breasts would normally be. If it was bad, it was probably something I had, and if I did have it, knowing that information wasn’t imperative. I always thought people said “Ignorance is bliss” in this condescending way, but really they meant it as discovery. It was a shout-out, an invitation, a proud bumpersticker. In that moment before he answered, I realized ignorance was a real-life solution to real-life problems.

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Geraldine Sucks: The Musical – A Review



I recently attended the opening night of Geraldine Sucks: The Musical and, beyond a couple of missteps, it did not disappoint. Based on Geraldine DeRuiter’s bestselling memoir, All Over The Place, and her deepest insecurities as told by three narrators – two therapists and her frontal lobe – this modern musical digs deep like a lightning-fast geoduck.

What worked: Lin-Manuel Miranda’s original score kept the audience connected. ‘Snacks On Snacks On Snacks’ in a style reminiscent of the Beastie Boys was a particular favorite; ‘Ode To Anxiety’ had some members of the audience weeping; and ‘Basic Nazi Bitch’ – a rousing military march dedicated to Donald Trump – had the whole theater on their feet. I didn’t think Rand, as played by an oversized Jim Henson muppet of himself would work, but it really captured his hair and enthusiasm in a way no real human could. No surprise that Jeff Goldblum as Geraldine’s frontal lobe worked perfectly, plus he sold street meat from his food truck during three intermissions. Stream-of-consciousness monologues from the lead role of Geraldine, aptly played by Dina Martina, captured the spirit and complexity of the original memoir. 


What didn’t work: While the choreography was innovative, I hope that’s the last twerking-lindy hop combo I ever see on stage. 28 set design changes to accommodate every country Geraldine and Rand have ever been to seemed like overkill, and probably contributed to the musical’s five-and-a-half hour running time. Still unsure why they went with a fictional ending – the closing disco number after they move to Mars and become Martian ambassadors to Earth felt just a wee bit forced.

In the end, Geraldine didn’t suck as much as we were led to believe, but I think that’s a good thing for everyone involved. All of her quirky quirks were more endearing than draining, and in showbiz, that’s a win.


If you can’t get tickets to Geraldine Sucks: The Musical, I highly recommend the book it’s based on, which just came out this week. Congratulations to the cast and crew of this newly-crowned story of traveling weirdos in love! 

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If Honeyfunds Were Realistic

happy_couple

Sometimes life has other plans

Dining

(1) $200 for their first anniversary at a very special restaurant

(1) $100 for their second anniversary at a pretty nice restaurant

(1) $50 for a romantic anniversary dinner cooked at home

(6) $30 gift certificates to that pizza place in their neighborhood he doesn’t love “but at least they deliver” for the next six anniversaries

(1) $7.67 – Lactaid Fast Act Chewables (her)

(1) $6.79 – Beano (him)

Beverages

(1) $250 bottle of Champagne to celebrate their 20th anniversary

(12) $50 vouchers for Monthly Beer Club so he can have some much-needed Dude Time

(1,000) $30 vouchers for Taco Tuesday Happy Hour with the $4 margaritas

Accommodations

(30) $150 overnights at a local hotel in his hometown every Christmas after staying with his parents one year and realizing how much Fox News they really watch

Sightseeing Tours

(1) $130 for five Ride the Ducks tickets and (1) $150 gift card to Red Lobster for when his brother, wife, and three awful kids drop by unannounced for a five-day visit and she just wants them out of her goddamn house

(3) $100 wine-tasting tours for the only child-free weekends she will have with her girlfriends in her entire lifetime

(1) $100 in singles for the stripper-friendly bachelor party weekend they have a huge fight about that he goes to anyway*

*plus $50 so he can send flowers for the bachelor party fight even though he spent most of those singles on beer, Scout’s honor

Shopping

(Unlimited) $20 bottles of wine – or $200/case – for when she realizes she deserves more in life but will settle for alcohol

(1) $3,000 for the shoe addiction she said she had under control

(2) $500 for a suit he will wear to every wedding and funeral they attend until he gains 40 pounds in 10 years and she makes him get another one

(Unlimited) $50 XBox games and expansion packs to be played at 3AM in his man cave

(1) $100 trip to the sex toy store when she thinks they need to spice up their sex life

Airfare*

(2) Out-of-state tickets for a family emergency

(2) Spontaneous babymoon tickets to somewhere tropical after realizing they’re actually having a baby and may never have fun again

(1) Ticket to the Pacific Coast Trail after she watches the Gilmore Girls revival and sees Lorelei’s attempt at Cheryl Strayed’s Wild

*Inquire with administrator for pricing

Marriage Extensions

(1) One year of marriage counseling (Market Price but you will also be an integral part of the therapist vetting process)

(1) $545 Day of Beauty Spa Apology Package for when he forgets her 33rd birthday

(1) $600 Las Vegas Stay and Play Hotel & Golf Consolation Package for when she yells the hot neighbor’s name during sex

(2) $1,000 for surprise weekends away when they realize they’re just roommates with children and need to reconnect

Miscellaneous

(1) $10/month for a Netflix unlimited screening membership, which they will use for date nights, movie nights, avoiding each other, battling insomnia, battling depression, distracting the children, entertaining friends, and escapism from the life they chose and love, most of the time

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