Category Archives: musings

“What Did You Do?”

 

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In the distant future — if there is one — I see our perfect fictional grandbaby looking up from her crib and saying, “Bestefar and Tinamatua (I assume this is what she will call us), what did you do in response to America’s swan song into fascist mediocrity and gun violence?” (I assume this is how she will talk.) And it gives me some anxiety, wondering if future me will tell that baby genius the truth. I wonder how many of my friends and family think about this inevitable conversation, and if they will tell future loved ones the whole story. Because I’m guessing the answer for most Americans will be some version of “Well… we didn’t do much.” Turns out agonizing over the world on a public forum is not the same as addressing the agony itself. 

What did you do? 

Like everyone else, I posted a diverse set of curated memes to multiple social media channels, sometimes up to three consecutive days after each shooting or racial incident. I used a 60/40 split of shaming memes (I called these “shmemes”) plus funny political memes that made you kind of think without having to do much beyond choosing the proper emoji response on Facebook. I was personally responsible for thousands of posts over the years that really united people who already 100% agreed with me. And I did this for free, alongside my fellow Americans, because we couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

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List: Results From Googling “Mercury Retrograde 2019” (Real and Imagined)

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Results From Googling “Mercury Retrograde 2019” (Real and Imagined):

Don’t Panic! Your Mercury in Retrograde GOOP Survival Guide is Here

How Will Mercury Retrograde Affect Your Body? 

So You’ve Got A Case of The Mercury Retrograde Mondays

Mercury Retrograde is Resurfacing All Your Unresolved Issues

10 Fun Things To Do In Arizona During Mercury Retrograde

Tips For An Out-of-This-World Mercury Retrograde Birthday Party!

Mercury Retrograde: Here’s When You Can Expect Sh*t To Hit The Fan

Hooking Up With An Ex During Mercury Retrograde: Ignoring The Signs

Four Predictions On How Mercury Retrograde Will Mess With Cancers

Microdosing During Mercury Retrograde: The Ultimate To-Do List

All The Beauty Products You Need To Survive Mercury Retrograde

For Sale on Etsy: Unisex Mercury Retrograde Boho Festival Glitter Fringe Cape 

When Does Mercury Retrograde 2019 End? Because This Is Too Much

 

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Real: 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13

 

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k e x p + me

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“Where the music matters.”

You can usually tell how I’m doing by what kind of music I’m listening to. Did I sleep 12 hours, write 3,000 words of which 1,000 were funny, or wear the fiercest lip color to a meeting? Then it’s time for the Marika, You’re Killing It playlist: 13 songs that make me feel like the human equivalent of a hair flip. Did I do all of those things on the same day and wear heels for more than 10 minutes? That calls for the Bitch, You Are Basically Beyonce mix, a triumphant playlist of 33 songs guaranteed to make me feel like a boss. Point being, if I’m listening to Diana Ross, I’m pretty happy; if I’m listening to sad trombone noises, I probably got dumped by a clown.

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The Lake Woods

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Lake + Woods

I just recently spent six days at Chelan in the woods — “the woods” is code for “there was no wifi” — with a good friend and it was everything I needed. I leaned into all the -ings. Eating, reading, writing, sleeping, cooking, dreaming, staring, nothing. A whole lot of nothing. I read Crazy Rich Asians. Played Yahtzee. Went bowling during half-price day, and walked along the water. She found Kingsman in the cabin’s DVD collection, so we made vodka cocktails (heavy on the lime) and watched that one night with our feet up. It was probably the eighth time I’d seen it because I’m a COLIN FIRTH FANGIRL. I think he’s my #1 on the ole celebrity exception list, now that Alan Rickman is gone. This is perhaps the most American thing I may say in my lifetime, but the fight scene (tw: very graphic, lotsa murder) where he kills 40 people in one long, continual church scene is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, and the only time in history when “Freebird” was the perfect soundtrack. 

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Kick The Shit Out of Life

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Maria Semple, total badass & Yours Truly, lipstick-wearer

“Maria Semple has a total boner for your writing.” So said Katty, far and away the best part of the writing workshop we finished last month. Tom Skerritt was a fellow classmate, too, because my life is just a series of What The Fuck moments held together by carbs and decorative washi tape from the dollar store. I want to say meeting Katty was nice, a word that describes nothing and leads to other nothing-words like interesting or cool, but really, it was a relief. There is so much weight lifted when you meet a kindred spirit, someone you don’t have to be anyone else but yourself around, loudly and without apology; someone who gets your language and likes making fun of the same people. Our friendship was forged rather quickly — a satirical shotgun marriage, if you will, pregnant with a friendship baby who likes yelling fuck over various dessert items. She is a curly-haired, barely-contained East Coast tornado, which works since I’m a West Coast weather system trapped in a supermodel’s body.

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