Category Archives: recap

GoT Recap, S8 Ep1: Dragons

 

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“I can show you the world…”

Roughly 595 days ago, I posted the Game of Thrones Season 7 finale recap, thinking we would never see the end of this series due to a Trump-related nuclear fallout, a George R. R. Martin-type setback, or simply death by anticipation — but we made it, friend-ohs. Seems like we should be rewarded for our never-ending patience with a brand new opening sequence. Reward granted!

Thoughts on the new opening sequence: ALL THE YESES. I love the upgrade, how they’re going deep into the interior of things (I think the Winterfell crypt is important this season), and that they’re tracking the undead army by turning white tiles into blue ones. Genius. Read more about what the production studio has in store for the credits here.

This first episode was one of reunions and revelations. The pace wasn’t as lightning fast as last season was — at least it didn’t feel like we were sprinting, merely trotting along with purpose — but I’ll be happier once the episodes go feature length, starting in Episode 3.

The first scenes, we saw the Unsullied, Dothraki, and two fully-grown dragons plus all the human throne hopefuls marching into Winterfell. Within 30 minutes, there was a Jon-Bran reunion, Jon-Arya, Tyrion-Sansa, Euron-Cersei, Bronn-Qyburn, and Yara-Theon. Shocking no one, Dany and Sansa are high school frenemies now. Bran is still pretty Bran, though more talkative than usual (from three words per episode to like…seven). Sansa and her ex-husband, the Imp, have an outdoor tete-a-tete. Qyburn tasks Bronn with revenge-murdering Tyrion for Cersei. Yara clocks Theon after he rescues her but they make up, Iron Islands-style. What is dead may never die.

Euron and Cersei predictably get it on because he’s the most arrogant man in the world and some women like that kind of thing. Especially when their other partner is a tender-hearted sibling who abandoned them to fight the undead. Also totally normal: Saying “I wanted those elephants” post-coitus while drinking red wine in a terrible wig.

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GoT Recap, Ep. 7: Team Dragon-Wolf

 

 

fingergot

Game over

Welcome to the last Game of Thrones recap until we gather again in what seems like 20 years for the final six episodes of Season 7. Many of us may already be dead from what I assume is World War III, co-sponsored by Russia and Donald Trump’s energy drink for the American people: Orange Monster Blast! “Orange You Glad You Got Blasted Today?” Now with 10% more meth (FDA approval still pending).

Just kidding — we won’t have an FDA by then.

The hallowed Game of Thrones recaps that came before:

Episode 1: Winter AF

Episode 2: So Many Storms, So Many Links

Episode 3: Five Queens A-Warring

Episode 4: Being A Dragon

Episode 5: East of Some Shiiiiiit

Episode 6: Expedition of Doom

As always, sexy boat spoilers ahead!

Two Philosophers Talk About Dongs

We open with the Unsullied just hanging in a field outside of King’s Landing. I suspect this is what they do even on their days off — I mean, what would they do in a Target? I also can’t believe how many there are – the Lannister army took over Highgarden with a teeny tiny fraction of this army.

“Maybe it really is all cocks in the end,” Jaime muses as he and Bronn gaze at the army of eunuchs. I think Cersei, Daenerys, Sansa, Arya, Brienne, Melisandre, and Yara would give you major side-eye for that, Jaime.

Add Dany’s battle gods to the mix, those Dothraki horselords – oh, hello, here they are in all their artfully-torn, suede-vested glory – and basically Cersei is doomed.

Bronn: I think we’re about to be the downtrodden.

Jaime: Can’t you just be supportive at these company meetings? Jesus.

The Silence and Euron’s armada are docked menacingly outside King’s Landing as Team Dragon-Wolf sail into the harbor. The Silence is so enormous and imposing and cartoonish that I feel like I’m at Disneyland, waiting for a pirate-themed water ride. The Hound goes below deck to check on Terry, our favorite undead comrade and – you guessed it – he’s feisty as ever. Perhaps it’s the box they put him in for this long ocean voyage, or his thirst for human blood, but that’s what we love about Terry: his can-do spirit in the darkest of boxes times. He also makes a mean guacamole.

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GoT Recap, Ep. 6: Expedition of Doom

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Hiiiiiiiiiiii

Welcome to the penultimate recap of the penultimate episode of the penultimate season of a boring show called Game of Fucking Thrones!!! The ‘I Have So Many Questions’ edition. I can’t believe we’re almost finished! As ever: gigantic, scaly, ice cold re-animated spoilers ahead. Obvious foreshadowing in bold.

The Boy Scouts Annual Ice Camping Trip Into Hell

We open just north of The Wall – but really Iceland, which is why the cinematography is so unreal – with our favorite ragtag group of mismatched misfit saviors and survivors. There is much humor, camaraderie, intimate conversation and grudging respect between these men – Jon Snow, Tormund, Gendry, Thoros, Beric, The Hound, Sir Jorah – in so many combinations, that it really does feel like a reluctant buddy film. The Hangover: A Wolfpack Adventure starring Tormund Giantsbane, the Zach Galifianakis of The North.

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GoT Recap, Ep. 5: East of Some Shiiiiiit

gendry

HAMMERTIME

Welcome to… all this shit aka The Episode 5 Recap of Game of Thrones. We open like two miles from where Bronn saved his workwife from impending dragon doom. Not sure how he and Jaime made it that far underwater without magic or a shitload of gillyweed, but I’m suspending disbelief since this is a show about zombies versus dragons.

Tyrion walks through the ashy aftermath of last week’s battle and contemplates man’s inhumanity to man. Not once does he stroke his beard thoughtfully. That was a missed opportunity.

Daenerys gives a lovely pep talk to her new white prisoners about how she’s definitely not a murderer and totally chill. Then she’s all BEND THE KNEE, BITCHES (like, this is seriously becoming her thing) and Drogon’s like DID SHE STUTTER, SHE SAID BEND YA FUCKIN KNEE and boy howdy, do they ever.

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GoT Recap, Episode One: Winter AF

nightking

Just chillin’

For the “last” season of Game of Thrones, I’ll be doing a recap of each episode because this is America and I do what I want, at least until it turns into The Handmaid’s Tale and I become a professional birthing mule. Spoilers ahead!

We begin with revenge-genocide at the hands of a child, and here is why I love this show. Arya the Many-Faced Homicidal Tween exacts her genocidal revenge on the Walder Frey clan with poison, in disguise, in the same hall where her family was ambushed and killed. RED WEDDING REVENGE FTW. Every time she pulls a mask off her face, I think “Are we really falling for this idea that Arya is a skilled death mask magician who has the time, resources, and energy to create these masterpieces on the fly??” I can’t speak for anyone else, but a resounding yes is my answer. I want to believe.

Whenever Arya pulls her mask off, my Game of Thrones amnesia kicks in because I always shriek like these are new to me, when really she spent an entire season in that creepy death palace with Killer Bitch and Hipster Jesus.

“When people ask you what happened here, tell them the North remembers. Tell them winter came for House Frey.”

When Arya dropped that medieval mic, I heard it hit the ground the world over. YAAAAAAS BIIIIIITCH, y’all were screaming; I heard you, don’t deny it. Everyone loves an underdog. Everyone loves a Stark. Everyone loves a strong girl #LivingHerBestLife in this unforgiving landscape.

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