Tag Archives: game of thrones

GoT Recap, Ep. 5: East of Some Shiiiiiit



We open like two miles from where Bronn saved his workwife from impending dragon doom. Not sure how he and Jaime made it that far underwater without magic or a shitload of gillyweed, but I’m suspending disbelief since this is a show about zombies versus dragons.

Tyrion walks through the ashy aftermath of last week’s battle and contemplates man’s inhumanity to man. Not once does he stroke his beard thoughtfully. That was a missed opportunity.

Daenerys gives a lovely pep talk to her new white prisoners about how she’s definitely not a murderer and totally chill. Then she’s all BEND THE KNEE, BITCHES (like, this is seriously becoming her thing) and Drogon’s like DID SHE STUTTER, SHE SAID BEND YA FUCKIN’ KNEE and boy howdy, do they ever.

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“I’ve had the time of my life, no I never felt this way before…”

Welcome to the shortest Game of Thrones recap I could possibly write, and that’s just because I cut out the entire battle scene. Spoilers ahead but I know you’ve already seen it, possibly twice (me, to be honest, five times – and I watched this reaction video a few times, too). To the past!

We open with two white guys on horses discussing castle maintenance. Cool.

Cersei daydrinks with her accountant, Mycroft Holmes.

Littlefinger plays smirky uncle to Bran, who totally owns him with “Chaos is a ladder,” which sounds like something my old drug dealer would’ve said about the government or love. Littlefinger gifts him with Valyrian steel — more specifically, the weapon used in Bran’s attempted murder — which I think is inappropriate because Valyrian steel is traditionally given on your 11th anniversary.

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What Is The Evergrey?


It’s not this.

-Seattle singles meetup for people over 60

-University of Washington meteorology-psychology blog about weather and depression

-Craft cocktail bar located in the heart of Georgetown and sister to Pioneer Square’s ‘Damn the Weather’

-Seattle’s first built-green community and bold new approach to apartment micro-living in partnership with Amazon’s real estate arm, Amazoned

-Seattle’s on-the-rise gothic metal band singing everyone’s favorite hits from the Nineties and beyond

-A new CW series following the Tech Rich Kids of Instagram — featuring the extravagant lifestyles of the Evergrey twins, who will stop at nothing in their rise to the top

-Favorite ice cream flavor of The Queen of England: two-parts Earl Grey tea, one-part orange blossom, one-part vanilla bean

-Subreddit group dedicated to The Nothing in a Netflix original documentary about fanatics of The Neverending Story

-Popular Instagram account for people rocking grey hair at any age

-A fictional disease on Game of Thrones

-A comprehensive daily Seattle newsletter written by two kickass women about staying connected to a city that’s currently on steroids

If you guessed the last one, you’re correct; if you guessed any of the others, how will you look at yourself in the mirror from this day forward?

To anyone coming from The Evergrey today, or perhaps my Facebook announcement, I shout hello through this series of complicated tubes *shakes fist at Al Gore* and look forward to shouting in person.

I’m excited to be facilitating The Everygrey’s newly-announced writing group, beginning January 2017. The application deadline is December 31, 2016 — my wedding anniversary, in fact, where we will be out and about having legendary adventures in every corner of Seattle*.

*or: pizza, pajamas, a Westworld marathon, sawing logs the size of Ents before midnight

For those who came here wondering what my deal is before applying, take the leap! What do you have to lose besides four limbs, a car, and part of your Roth IRA? At the very least, connections will be made and you’ll get some time to workshop your writing. At best, we’ll create a nude writing group calendar for charity and Ellen will invite us on her show and we’ll get famous for like four minutes and then you know she’ll give someone a car (pleasebeme). Ellen’s always trying to out-Oprah herself. I’d like to be there when she finally succeeds.

My leadership qualifications include: I read the first two chapters of Infinite Jest and know all the words to Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’. A strong voice. An open mind. Dated a guy who ran for high school president and won.

As for the structure of our writing group, I’m thinking something like The Voice in that it’s exactly like The Voice. Adam Levine, Christina Aguilera, Country Guy, and I will sit in our rotating plastic Tron chairs and judge you. Finally, a job that plays to my strengths.

I look forward to working with a great group of people, whatever circus parade we decide on! Let’s stay in touch like we met five weeks ago at miniature horse camp:

Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | what’s a newspaper

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Taco Time



You are cake’s constant speculation. (Fight Club)


8:00PM: “Here, try this space cake. It will totally chill you out.”

8:05PM: I eat one piece. Nothing happens.

8:45PM: I eat a bigger piece. Still nothing.

9:55PM: I’m in the same spot, trying to invent a new way to tie shoes that will rock the entire universe. I am wearing flip-flops.

10:14PM: I’m high-fiving a guy in a parking lot who says he is “half-bear, half-Golden Girl.” I tell him he was born this way.

11:05PM: I’m in a corner booth with a half-rack of ribs and a pack of howling strangers. Space cake makes me funny.

12:20AM: I’m bumming a smoke off a hot dog vendor, explaining how I finally quit smoking like five years ago and he can, too.

1:01AM: I’m in an underground bar in a photobooth, taking photos with my best friend, Cheetos.

1:15AM: I’m sharing Game of Thrones conspiracy theories outside with a guy in a taco costume. I ask if it’s Halloween because I can’t remember my face. He claims it’s July but what the fuck do tacos know about time?

1:47AM: I’m standing in a 7-11, looking for answers to life in the freezer. I find Chocolate Peanut Butter Haagen-Daas ice cream instead. Life questions: answered.

2:30AM: I’m making pasta in my kitchen and attempting Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance. The apartment manager calls and says the neighbors have complained, so I open the front door and yell something totally fierce into the hallway.

3:07AM: I’m pulling out all the fancy salt to re-organize them alphabetically — or maybe autobiographically, like John Cusack in High Fidelity where he bangs Khal Drogo’s real-life wife.

5:00AM: A bird is talking mad shit about me to other birds outside.

The next afternoon, I wake up to a text from my space cake friend.

How was the rest of your evening?

I take inventory.

I’m half-naked on the couch, pants nowhere to be found. I’m covered in lipstick, BBQ sauce, cigarette ash, Cheeto powder, ice cream, pasta bits, and Himalayan salt. All the lights are on and the TV is blaring. I’m pretty sure the front door is open.

On the coffee table is a drawing in permanent marker of a Slytherin-Targaryen family crest with “TATTOO???” written next to it.

It’s not my worst idea ever.

Awesome, I text back. Let’s do it again soon.

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