Tag Archives: humor

What Is The Evergrey?

grayscale

It’s not this.

-Seattle singles meetup for people over 60

-University of Washington meteorology-psychology blog about weather and depression

-Craft cocktail bar located in the heart of Georgetown and sister to Pioneer Square’s ‘Damn the Weather’

-Seattle’s first built-green community and bold new approach to apartment micro-living in partnership with Amazon’s real estate arm, Amazoned

-Seattle’s on-the-rise gothic metal band singing everyone’s favorite hits from the Nineties and beyond

-A new CW series following the Tech Rich Kids of Instagram — featuring the extravagant lifestyles of the Evergrey twins, who will stop at nothing in their rise to the top

-Favorite ice cream flavor of The Queen of England: two-parts Earl Grey tea, one-part orange blossom, one-part vanilla bean

-Subreddit group dedicated to The Nothing in a Netflix original documentary about fanatics of The Neverending Story

-Popular Instagram account for people rocking grey hair at any age

-A fictional disease on Game of Thrones

-A comprehensive daily Seattle newsletter written by two kickass women about staying connected to a city that’s currently on steroids

If you guessed the last one, you’re correct; if you guessed any of the others, how will you look at yourself in the mirror from this day forward?

To anyone coming from The Evergrey today, or perhaps my Facebook announcement, I shout hello through this series of complicated tubes *shakes fist at Al Gore* and look forward to shouting in person.

I’m excited to be facilitating The Everygrey’s newly-announced writing group, beginning January 2017. The application deadline is December 31, 2016 — my wedding anniversary, in fact, where we will be out and about having legendary adventures in every corner of Seattle*.

*or: pizza, pajamas, a Westworld marathon, sawing logs the size of Ents before midnight

For those who came here wondering what my deal is before applying, take the leap! What do you have to lose besides four limbs, a car, and part of your Roth IRA? At the very least, connections will be made and you’ll get some time to workshop your writing. At best, we’ll create a nude writing group calendar for charity and Ellen will invite us on her show and we’ll get famous for like four minutes and then you know she’ll give someone a car (pleasebeme). Ellen’s always trying to out-Oprah herself. I’d like to be there when she finally succeeds.

My leadership qualifications include: I read the first two chapters of Infinite Jest and know all the words to Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’. A strong voice. An open mind. Dated a guy who ran for high school president and won.

As for the structure of our writing group, I’m thinking something like The Voice in that it’s exactly like The Voice. Adam Levine, Christina Aguilera, Country Guy, and I will sit in our rotating plastic Tron chairs and judge you. Finally, a job that plays to my strengths.

I look forward to working with a great group of people, whatever circus parade we decide on! Let’s stay in touch like we met five weeks ago at miniature horse camp:

Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | what’s a newspaper

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If Honeyfunds Were Realistic

happy_couple

Sometimes life has other plans

Dining

(1) $200 for their first anniversary at a very special restaurant

(1) $100 for their second anniversary at a pretty nice restaurant

(1) $50 for a romantic anniversary dinner cooked at home

(6) $30 gift certificates to that pizza place in their neighborhood he doesn’t love “but at least they deliver” for the next six anniversaries

(1) $7.67 – Lactaid Fast Act Chewables (her)

(1) $6.79 – Beano (him)

Beverages

(1) $250 bottle of Champagne to celebrate their 20th anniversary

(12) $50 vouchers for Monthly Beer Club so he can have some much-needed Dude Time

(1,000) $30 vouchers for Taco Tuesday Happy Hour with the $4 margaritas

Accommodations

(30) $150 overnights at a local hotel in his hometown every Christmas after staying with his parents one year and realizing how much Fox News they really watch

Sightseeing Tours

(1) $130 for five Ride the Ducks tickets and (1) $150 gift card to Red Lobster for when his brother, wife, and three awful kids drop by unannounced for a five-day visit and she just wants them out of her goddamn house

(3) $100 wine-tasting tours for the only child-free weekends she will have with her girlfriends in her entire lifetime

(1) $100 in singles for the stripper-friendly bachelor party weekend they have a huge fight about that he goes to anyway*

*plus $50 so he can send flowers for the bachelor party fight even though he spent most of those singles on beer, Scout’s honor

Shopping

(Unlimited) $20 bottles of wine – or $200/case – for when she realizes she deserves more in life but will settle for alcohol

(1) $3,000 for the shoe addiction she said she had under control

(2) $500 for a suit he will wear to every wedding and funeral they attend until he gains 40 pounds in 10 years and she makes him get another one

(Unlimited) $50 XBox games and expansion packs to be played at 3AM in his man cave

(1) $100 trip to the sex toy store when she thinks they need to spice up their sex life

Airfare*

(2) Out-of-state tickets for a family emergency

(2) Spontaneous babymoon tickets to somewhere tropical after realizing they’re actually having a baby and may never have fun again

(1) Ticket to the Pacific Coast Trail after she watches the Gilmore Girls revival and sees Lorelei’s attempt at Cheryl Strayed’s Wild

*Inquire with administrator for pricing

Marriage Extensions

(1) One year of marriage counseling (Market Price but you will also be an integral part of the therapist vetting process)

(1) $545 Day of Beauty Spa Apology Package for when he forgets her 33rd birthday

(1) $600 Las Vegas Stay and Play Hotel & Golf Consolation Package for when she yells the hot neighbor’s name during sex

(2) $1,000 for surprise weekends away when they realize they’re just roommates with children and need to reconnect

Miscellaneous

(1) $10/month for a Netflix unlimited screening membership, which they will use for date nights, movie nights, avoiding each other, battling insomnia, battling depression, distracting the children, entertaining friends, and escapism from the life they chose and love, most of the time

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A History of Cake

shakespeare

The first mention of cake appears in a Shakespearean sonnet in 1592.

Shall I compare thee to a summer cake?

Thou art more lovely and more decadent.

In 1755, the Earl of Earlingstone-Hamshire-Winthropp (nicknamed “The Earl of Earl,” for obvious reasons), on the eve of his 100th birthday, received a lovely layered dessert made of boozy pound cake, whipped cream, and sweet brandied plums. Baked by Mrs. Eleanor Peavey, longtime cook of the Earl and his family, it was cake‘s first public appearance in 150 years. The centenarian clapped his hands in surprise, knocking over a candelabra; within seconds, the brandied plums burst into flames over six feet tall, overtaking The Earl of Earl before engulfing the room completely. Everyone at the residence perished that night.

Two cake traditions from that tragic evening continue to this day:

1. Providing flame-retardant sweets for every special occasion.

2. Adding candles to birthday cake to raise awareness for the aristocracy.

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MAKE AN ERICA GREAT AGAIN

ericakane

The original Erica

Election Day, 2016: How My Mind Works

OH MY GOD, IT’S BEAUTIFUL OUT TODAY – IT’S A SIGN!

Wait, it could just be a weather ruse to lull me into thinking it’s a positive sign when really, it’s going to be bad and then I’ll feel doubly betrayed by both America and the sun.

I don’t think the sun has the ability to create a ruse. The sun just does its thing.

If the weather goes south, that could *also* be a ruse – lulling me in the opposite direction and thinking The Cheeto will win. Poor Cheetos. I wonder if they will ever bounce back from this election.

Maybe I should wear a pantsuit today. NO. That’s weird. Also you don’t own a pantsuit.

I can’t believe our long-lost friend finally popped back up on Facebook. I wonder who she’s voting for. I wonder if we’ll see each other again. I’d put my money on no, if I had any money.

I can’t stop putting this Kickstarter hot sauce on Ruffles potato chips. It’s 9:30AM. Maybe I should add it to some eggs instead of this bullshit frat boy breakfast.

The house is a mess and the baby comes today. Maybe if I clean the house real good, “politics” will be nice to me.

How can I even make eggs with a kitchen this messy? It’s impossible.

Is a matching sweatsuit close enough to wearing a pantsuit for solidarity? Not that I have one of those, either.

CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR BREAKFAST. YES.

I hope, if I have any friends or family that voted for Donald Trump, that they never, ever tell me. It would probably break my heart into a million angry pieces.

Normally I don’t like hot sauce but this shit is good.

I should make the fam go for a walk today. Put our faces in the sun. Put on pants that aren’t pajamas, if I can even find some.

Can’t believe how mean I was to [redacted] in my dream last night. I almost feel like I should send her an apology text, but then I’d have to explain what for.

Craving the New Luck Toy dumplings something fierce.

Must find a bar stool to sit on tonight, but close to home so if the polls take a shit, I can cry in my own bed with an extra-cheese pizza.

Keep it together.

Keep it together.

We’re out of potato chips.

 

 

 

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Hen Party Pooper

bachelorette

Something I learned about myself in the last few years: I’m terrible at bachelorette parties.

I’m too self-conscious, too uptight, and maybe too old (which, incidentally, is the working title of my future autobiography). As a reluctant team player, the girly wolf pack mentality kind of freaks me out, and the “traditional” aspect of bachelorette parties – strippers, tiaras, penis-shaped everything – really makes me cringe. Even when I was The Appropriate Age Range for a hen party (completely made-up by me, somewhere between 21 and 28), I was mortified for the bride as some guy named Randy Andy thrust a satin-clad dong at her face, over and over. Surely this is why Long Island Iced Teas were invented.

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