Tag Archives: marriage

If Honeyfunds Were Realistic

happy_couple

Sometimes life has other plans

Dining

(1) $200 for their first anniversary at a very special restaurant

(1) $100 for their second anniversary at a pretty nice restaurant

(1) $50 for a romantic anniversary dinner cooked at home

(6) $30 gift certificates to that pizza place in their neighborhood he doesn’t love “but at least they deliver” for the next six anniversaries

(1) $7.67 – Lactaid Fast Act Chewables (her)

(1) $6.79 – Beano (him)

Beverages

(1) $250 bottle of Champagne to celebrate their 20th anniversary

(12) $50 vouchers for Monthly Beer Club so he can have some much-needed Dude Time

(1,000) $30 vouchers for Taco Tuesday Happy Hour with the $4 margaritas

Accommodations

(30) $150 overnights at a local hotel in his hometown every Christmas after staying with his parents one year and realizing how much Fox News they really watch

Sightseeing Tours

(1) $130 for five Ride the Ducks tickets and (1) $150 gift card to Red Lobster for when his brother, wife, and three awful kids drop by unannounced for a five-day visit and she just wants them out of her goddamn house

(3) $100 wine-tasting tours for the only child-free weekends she will have with her girlfriends in her entire lifetime

(1) $100 in singles for the stripper-friendly bachelor party weekend they have a huge fight about that he goes to anyway*

*plus $50 so he can send flowers for the bachelor party fight even though he spent most of those singles on beer, Scout’s honor

Shopping

(Unlimited) $20 bottles of wine – or $200/case – for when she realizes she deserves more in life but will settle for alcohol

(1) $3,000 for the shoe addiction she said she had under control

(2) $500 for a suit he will wear to every wedding and funeral they attend until he gains 40 pounds in 10 years and she makes him get another one

(Unlimited) $50 XBox games and expansion packs to be played at 3AM in his man cave

(1) $100 trip to the sex toy store when she thinks they need to spice up their sex life

Airfare*

(2) Out-of-state tickets for a family emergency

(2) Spontaneous babymoon tickets to somewhere tropical after realizing they’re actually having a baby and may never have fun again

(1) Ticket to the Pacific Coast Trail after she watches the Gilmore Girls revival and sees Lorelei’s attempt at Cheryl Strayed’s Wild

*Inquire with administrator for pricing

Marriage Extensions

(1) One year of marriage counseling (Market Price but you will also be an integral part of the therapist vetting process)

(1) $545 Day of Beauty Spa Apology Package for when he forgets her 33rd birthday

(1) $600 Las Vegas Stay and Play Hotel & Golf Consolation Package for when she yells the hot neighbor’s name during sex

(2) $1,000 for surprise weekends away when they realize they’re just roommates with children and need to reconnect

Miscellaneous

(1) $10/month for a Netflix unlimited screening membership, which they will use for date nights, movie nights, avoiding each other, battling insomnia, battling depression, distracting the children, entertaining friends, and escapism from the life they chose and love, most of the time

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Love, Lucifer

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Justin’s brain is legend.

My sweet husband turns 35 today, meaning he has five years, tops, before I trade him in for a younger model and an overpriced penis car that goes vroom.

If you had told me 15 years ago that I’d be in a happy second marriage with a younger man, some bright day in the future, I would have bitterly laughed in your face and then lit another cigarette. Up to that point, all I knew of marriage was that to the wrong person, it could be hard and explosive and soul-crushing and sometimes very scary. I had never felt more alone than I did when I was married. Internally, I was suicidal most of the time; externally, angry and defiant. I could not remember what happiness actually felt like for a long, long time; we just brought out the worst in each other, two fighters with different agendas. Even our marriage counselor told me to throw in the towel, but we held on for another 18 months. It was quite telling that our best and most mature conversation was when we decided to divorce. No yelling, no threats. Just…reality. Here we are, and it’s not good for anyone. We have to save ourselves from each other. Reality felt so good, the weight lifting from my shoulders so abruptly that it took my breath away. Then the fear came. And the logistics. And friendship triage. And stupid mistakes. And learning. Fuuuuh. So much goddamn learning.

I met Justin during what should have been a classic rebound phase. After my husband moved back to the Midwest, I spent the summer getting in trouble and kind of dating and smoking too much and making new best friends on Seattle dancefloors I barely remembered the next day. One of those summers.

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