Tag Archives: writing

If Honeyfunds Were Realistic

happy_couple

Sometimes life has other plans

Dining

(1) $200 for their first anniversary at a very special restaurant

(1) $100 for their second anniversary at a pretty nice restaurant

(1) $50 for a romantic anniversary dinner cooked at home

(6) $30 gift certificates to that pizza place in their neighborhood he doesn’t love “but at least they deliver” for the next six anniversaries

(1) $7.67 – Lactaid Fast Act Chewables (her)

(1) $6.79 – Beano (him)

Beverages

(1) $250 bottle of Champagne to celebrate their 20th anniversary

(12) $50 vouchers for Monthly Beer Club so he can have some much-needed Dude Time

(1,000) $30 vouchers for Taco Tuesday Happy Hour with the $4 margaritas

Accommodations

(30) $150 overnights at a local hotel in his hometown every Christmas after staying with his parents one year and realizing how much Fox News they really watch

Sightseeing Tours

(1) $130 for five Ride the Ducks tickets and (1) $150 gift card to Red Lobster for when his brother, wife, and three awful kids drop by unannounced for a five-day visit and she just wants them out of her goddamn house

(3) $100 wine-tasting tours for the only child-free weekends she will have with her girlfriends in her entire lifetime

(1) $100 in singles for the stripper-friendly bachelor party weekend they have a huge fight about that he goes to anyway*

*plus $50 so he can send flowers for the bachelor party fight even though he spent most of those singles on beer, Scout’s honor

Shopping

(Unlimited) $20 bottles of wine – or $200/case – for when she realizes she deserves more in life but will settle for alcohol

(1) $3,000 for the shoe addiction she said she had under control

(2) $500 for a suit he will wear to every wedding and funeral they attend until he gains 40 pounds in 10 years and she makes him get another one

(Unlimited) $50 XBox games and expansion packs to be played at 3AM in his man cave

(1) $100 trip to the sex toy store when she thinks they need to spice up their sex life

Airfare*

(2) Out-of-state tickets for a family emergency

(2) Spontaneous babymoon tickets to somewhere tropical after realizing they’re actually having a baby and may never have fun again

(1) Ticket to the Pacific Coast Trail after she watches the Gilmore Girls revival and sees Lorelei’s attempt at Cheryl Strayed’s Wild

*Inquire with administrator for pricing

Marriage Extensions

(1) One year of marriage counseling (Market Price but you will also be an integral part of the therapist vetting process)

(1) $545 Day of Beauty Spa Apology Package for when he forgets her 33rd birthday

(1) $600 Las Vegas Stay and Play Hotel & Golf Consolation Package for when she yells the hot neighbor’s name during sex

(2) $1,000 for surprise weekends away when they realize they’re just roommates with children and need to reconnect

Miscellaneous

(1) $10/month for a Netflix unlimited screening membership, which they will use for date nights, movie nights, avoiding each other, battling insomnia, battling depression, distracting the children, entertaining friends, and escapism from the life they chose and love, most of the time

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Thanksgiving Leftovers

turkeyday

Destined for Sotheby’s: A fingerprint calendar I made in 1983

Like many adult-children who assume their parents will live forever, I hoped my parents would also be my personal storage space for Everything I’ve Ever Made, Loved, or Owned. I saw the writing on the wall when my old bedroom became my mother’s “project room,” and they started sounding like Japanese organization consultants. Still, I resisted.

Now when I go to my parents’ house, they give me bundles of old things to bring home and nostalgically cry over or burn to the ground. After Thanksgiving dinner this year, my dad handed me a large folder filled with my school projects, including old notes and weird doodles I drew. Going through that folder was like taking a long, sweet walk with myself in 1984.

One special thing, a red spiral notebook, was from my 5th grade Composition class with Mr. Storkman. Among the written gems of this budding writer: a directive on how to get a guy to go out with you (even if he has a girlfriend), a short composition about cow stomachs, and a friendly monster with razor-sharp ears that are as big as my torso. I laughed so much going through that notebook; deep, satisfying belly laughs straight from Discovery Elementary in Gig Harbor, Washington.

My favorite composition was titled “How To Write A Great Paragraph”:

Here I am going to tell you how to write a great paragraph. First and most important of all is INDENT. Always remember to indent. Indents are important. But probably even more important than indents are punctuation. Like exclamation marks! And question marks? And periods. Make sure you write from margin to margin without going outside of them. There are many ways to make a paragraph great. And that’s how you

MIC DROP.

Teacher’s remarks at the bottom of the page: “You forgot to end your paragraph about how to write a great paragraph.” I think the handwriting looked sarcastic but I guess we’ll never know.

Whatever, Former Me. Keep writing and moving forward. Read good literature, journal every day. Someday you’ll write a political blog post that consists of just emojis and make all those former teachers proud.

 

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Take Me To There

david_attenborough_new_5

“We are a plague on the Earth.” -David Attenborough

All night I thought, “Marika, get your ass up, turn on your computer, and write DoYoReHoBloMo: Day 18!” but I couldn’t because of fleece sheets and David Attenborough and reasons.

Of course I mean Sir David Attenborough, international sex symbol and notable human treasure, the narrative voice for the world around us and for those who cannot speak — like rivers, tomatoes, volcanoes, and cats, among other incredible things. I started watching Planet Earth Part 2 last night and could. not. stop.

I’ve been a superfan of every Attenborough globe-trotting project throughout the years. I remember watching The Private Life of Plants with my parents and realizing how little I knew about everything on the planet — and that one was just about plants. I watched episodes of Planet Earth back-to-back, immersed in the world we live in but one that’s brighter, more beautiful, and terribly savage. If we’d watched stuff like that in school, I think it would have been inspiring (at least inspirational enough for me to go). Instead, it was always some bullshit afterschool special where you always knew the answer: Don’t be a bully like Travis, a pushover like Nancy, a bad girl like Rhonda. Later on in life, Travis probably comes out of the closet, poor Nancy joins a cult, and Rhonda becomes your favorite stoner friend who gets you discounts at the yoga studio.

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Hello, Hams

loveham

It was suggested to me by a wise old woman (very old, like defies numbers old) that I say hello and also a big thank-you to the onslaught of people who landed here from Discover WordPress and beyond. I so appreciate the kind words of support and unity, and for making my blog think it was her golden anniversary or something. Even by Pollyanna’s standards, it was a pretty good day.

I woke up from a sexy dream, much like the one I had about Cool Ranch Doritos, and my day got exponentially better from there. My first real reflection on identity and race was an Editor’s Pick in Discover WordPress, a piece that’s surely To Be Continued. I was offered a great writing opportunity that I can’t talk about yet, but it’s within an awesome community. And the pitch I agonized over all week – which included two crying jags, one husband lecture, and only five hours of sleep – came back and Sweet Jesus, it wasn’t a NO. My original plan was to get rejected, quit writing forever, cut off my hands, and move to a forest cave. Now I have some options. So it’s been a good day for writing adventures! It was even sunny in Seattle, like real sun, the kind that provides Vitamin D and skin cancer.

If you’re new and want to poke around, here’s the Hamlet of Awesome aka the best bloggy bits, either by page views or recommendation. I’m in the middle of doing DoYoReHoBloMo, or, Do You Remember How To Blog Month (coined to perfection by the girl down the street), which is not a thing but we made it a thing by the power of Facebook sarcasm. The point is to blog everyday, use the muscle, then use that muscle to punch the world.

Let’s stay in touch!

Facebook || Twitter || Instagram || What’s a newspaper

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MAKE AN ERICA GREAT AGAIN

ericakane

The original Erica

Election Day, 2016: How My Mind Works

OH MY GOD, IT’S BEAUTIFUL OUT TODAY – IT’S A SIGN!

Wait, it could just be a weather ruse to lull me into thinking it’s a positive sign when really, it’s going to be bad and then I’ll feel doubly betrayed by both America and the sun.

I don’t think the sun has the ability to create a ruse. The sun just does its thing.

If the weather goes south, that could *also* be a ruse – lulling me in the opposite direction and thinking The Cheeto will win. Poor Cheetos. I wonder if they will ever bounce back from this election.

Maybe I should wear a pantsuit today. NO. That’s weird. Also you don’t own a pantsuit.

I can’t believe our long-lost friend finally popped back up on Facebook. I wonder who she’s voting for. I wonder if we’ll see each other again. I’d put my money on no, if I had any money.

I can’t stop putting this Kickstarter hot sauce on Ruffles potato chips. It’s 9:30AM. Maybe I should add it to some eggs instead of this bullshit frat boy breakfast.

The house is a mess and the baby comes today. Maybe if I clean the house real good, “politics” will be nice to me.

How can I even make eggs with a kitchen this messy? It’s impossible.

Is a matching sweatsuit close enough to wearing a pantsuit for solidarity? Not that I have one of those, either.

CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR BREAKFAST. YES.

I hope, if I have any friends or family that voted for Donald Trump, that they never, ever tell me. It would probably break my heart into a million angry pieces.

Normally I don’t like hot sauce but this shit is good.

I should make the fam go for a walk today. Put our faces in the sun. Put on pants that aren’t pajamas, if I can even find some.

Can’t believe how mean I was to [redacted] in my dream last night. I almost feel like I should send her an apology text, but then I’d have to explain what for.

Craving the New Luck Toy dumplings something fierce.

Must find a bar stool to sit on tonight, but close to home so if the polls take a shit, I can cry in my own bed with an extra-cheese pizza.

Keep it together.

Keep it together.

We’re out of potato chips.

 

 

 

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